So, I’m coming back to this space. (Or trying to at least.) The urge to blog has been nibbling on my brain for about a month now. But the old space felt stale, like it was missing something. I’ve been convincing myself not to start from scratch but instead to build on what I have here. I’ve been tweaking things here and there, trying to settle back in and feel comfortable. It still doesn’t look quite right to me. I think I’m going to try a few more things out.
I haven’t reaaaally gotten around to posting yet, though. I’m trying to re-find my voice. MY voice. The voice that has been long submerged under my own fear of failure and need to please. Under my guilt at not being perfect, but having to try and try again. The phrase “try-hard” comes to mind, because I do too often find myself trying to be someone I’m not. Trying to project what I want others to see, which is usually just themselves reflected back. Most of the time, it’s easier than voicing an opinion and then standing up for it. Easier than trying to convince people that just because I look 12 doesn’t mean that I’m incompetent. If I hear one more person tell me that it’s a gift to look so youthful at my age I’m going to scream. All of this has rolled itself into one cohesive problem: Instead of doing what I love, I procrastinate. I make excuses. I hope no one will notice that I am slipping away slowly. Other times I start things but never end up following them through for the same reason. It can be somewhat crippling.
But my life has change a lot in the past couple months, more so than at any time that came before. I feel completely different. Life has given me a fresh start, and in a way I do want to start from scratch. I want different things, I look at the world differently. My needs and desires are different. Priorities shift. As one door closes, another opens. I know I am passionate about blogging, about interior decor, about streamlining life so that it is organized and allows the happiness of a home to flow. I’m passionate about my connection to the universe and about my husband and family. I love to share all of that with others. I am an emotional person, perhaps too easily affected by the emotions of others. But I find nothing more fulfilling than helping others on that one-on-one level, I like the tangible results.
And I like my life to be small. I know there are others out there like me, too. “Think Big! Go! Money! More! Easy! Cheap! Fast!” seems to me the siren call of this city. I prefer a different version of life, and I accept that now. I prefer quiet over loud. I am not good at asking “how high” when someone tells me to jump. I need to accept that. So I want to write about what is real to me, to share that with others, to put it into the universe. I haven’t always done that here.
I’ve been reading Meg Mateo Ilasco’s book Craft Inc. and this quote really struck me:
“It can be daunting and ambitious to set out to create new trends, but when you remove the pressure to produce something “great” and proceed at your own pace, you’ll see that it can be done. Allow yourself to be a beginner. Everyone has creative potential; it just takes time and practice to develop your personal style. Once your creative confidence kicks in, ideas will flow and you’ll shake your head wondering why you doubted yourself in the first place.”
When I read this, it made me think two things. One, I realized that, yes, it’s not a lack of time that’s holding me back from life, but a lack of courage to be true to myself and make the tough decisions. And two, that I’m not the only one who’s ever felt this way. It is comforting to know I am not alone.
