Tomorrow or Today » Year of Freedom

The Year of Freedom is Over…

Sarah — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 17:00:09 +0000

How did 2009 go by so fast? Wasn’t it just summer? Didn’t we just move into our new apartment? The Year of Freedom turned out to be nothing like I expected it to be. Yet, it was definitely a year of growth. Looking back, I know I am not the same person I was a year ago. And I can honestly say that the differences are all for the better.

I have already dubbed 2010 The Year of Change, and so it shall be. There are two babies scheduled to arrive in our families come April. I’m going to become an Aunt (for the first time) twice in the span of one month. Exciting! Plus, of course, I’m getting married. By this time next year I’ll be a wedded woman, with a completely different last name. That thought is still taking some getting used to. If it felt like 2009 went by quickly, I just know that 2010 is going to go by even faster.

But I can’t just let it fly past. I need to have a direction and a plan for this year so I can tackle all the wonderful changes as they come. Which leads me to New Year’s resolutions. Everybody has an idealized conception of the person they could be if only: If only they weighed less, ate better. If only they were more spontaneous, or more organized, or more motivated, or more something. But is holding onto this ideal so wrong? I don’t think so. (Unless the goals are ridiculously unattainable and/or unhealthy, that is.) I always make New Year’s resolutions, and this year I’m spurred on by last year’s resolution successes.

I think it’s healthy to see yourself as a work in progress. To know that every morning, or once a year, we have a chance to make a fresh start. It’s a chance to get one step closer to that ideal person we wish we could be, knowing that having an ideal is not necessarily the same thing as having an end goal. Ideals change and grow just as we do as people. So though they can never be completely reached, they are always good to have.

So yeah, I think I’ll do the same thing for this year’s resolutions as I did for last year’s resolutions review — one a day for five days. Sound cool? Okay, then check back here tomorrow for the first of my 2010 resolutions!!

2009 Resolutions Check-Up : Part 5

Sarah — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 17:00:08 +0000

This is it, the end of the line. The last look back at 2009 before looking forward to the new year ahead.

My last resolution of 2009 was to get a “financial” life. And how did I do? Well, not so good. But not for lack of trying!! I reconsolidated my student loans (but they’re still there, looming). My employer put a pay freeze in place for 2009 (which meant no raise for me). And the gym/trainer turned out to be a huge financial investment (though WELL worth it). So, as you can probably guess, there really wasn’t any extra money floating around last year.

Still, I didn’t give up and I not only reduced my credit-card debt, but I cancelled my crazy high-rate card and switched to one with a much lower interest rate. Less interest means debt gets paid off faster! So I guess I will have to call this one another tie. I may not have gotten all the way to my goal, but I was able to make some progress.

Final Tally: Sarah – 3, Bad Habits – 2.

Well, it looks like in the grand scheme of things I was able to kick more of my bad habits than not last year, and to make some good progress on a couple more. Yay! I think I would call 2009 a successful year, resolutionarily speaking. (Is that a word? Probably not. Whatevs.)

And I’m looking forward to 2010. I’ve already decided on my resolutions for this year, but that’s a post for another day.

2009 Resolutions Check-Up : Part 4

Sarah — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 13:00:28 +0000

This brings us to my penultimate resolution of 2009: To join a gym and get in shape. So, how did I do?

I am more than proud to say that despite how may times I had made and failed at this resolution in the past, in 2009 I finally succeeded. For those who know what this gobbledy-gook means, I reduced my total body fat by almost 10% and my overall weight went down by 15lbs. So if you remember that muscle weighs more than fat, you can understand what a drastic change this has been for me.

I’m a tiny person (5′ 1″) and to drop two whole dress sizes in less than a year has been huge. And to be able to look this way on my wedding day is going to be just the best feeling in the world.

Sarah – 2.5, Bad Habits – 1.5. Score one for me!

Tomorrow we come to the end. My last resolution of 2009: Get a financial life.

2009 Resolutions Check-Up : Part 3

Sarah — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 15:00:34 +0000

My third resolution of 2009 was to take more pictures.

I think I started out strong with this resolution, but midway through the year my vigour wained. There’s probably a direct correlation between my lack of photos and my amount of stress at work, leading up to the Month of Freedom. After that, the rest of 2009 moved by in a speedy blur and just as I started wanting to take more pictures again, I realized that my good camera had broken (most likely during the move) and all I was left with was a crappy point-and-shoot that couldn’t take a sharp photo to save my life.

It was excruciating, and I tried to make it work, but it didn’t really. So I finally gave in and got my first DSLR at a Boxing Day sale. Hopefully, this means I’m gonna be taking copious amounts of photos in 2010. Just oodles and oodles.

But for the purpose of tallying my 2009 resolutions, I’d have to say this one’s a tie. Sarah – 1.5, Bad Habits – 1.5. Hmm…we’re neck and neck it seems.

Coming down to it now. Tomorrow, Resolution #4: Join a gym and get in shape.

2009 Resolutions Check-up : Part 2

Sarah — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 15:00:17 +0000

Okey-doke. Moving right along. How did I do on my second resolution of last year, namely:

2. Stop falling asleep with my makeup on.

Wah-wah. That’s the sound of the sad trombone. Here, I am sorry to say, I was a total failure. Total. So total, in fact, that I’m putting that sucker right back on my resolutions list for 2010. With the wedding coming up, I really need to get my skin in better shape and this is definitely Step 1.

Sarah – 1, Bad Habits – 1. Blarg.

Next, Resolution #3: Take more pictures.

2009 Resolutions Check-Up : Part 1

Sarah — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 13:00:49 +0000

So, two weeks into the new year and the question still remains: How well did I do with 2009′s resolutions? Let’s break it down, one a day for the next 5 days. Before I delve in though, how about a recap?

Sarah’s 2009 New Year’s Resolutions

1. Clear my inboxes down to zero and then keep them clear.
2. Stop falling asleep with my makeup on.
3. Take more pictures.
4. Join a gym and get in shape.
5. Get a financial life.

So, after a year of working at it, how well (or poorly) did I do in these 5 areas? First up, my inbox.

Well, I’m proud to say that my struggles with overflowing email inboxes are over and my work at this resolution has been a total success. After years and years of feeling overwhelmed by hundreds and hundreds of emails just sitting there yelling at me, I finally took the bull by the horns. I developed a better labelling and filing system for my email, did a lot of kamikaze deleting of old stuff and unsubscribed from A LOT of useless newsletters. After that, it was all about slowly but surely reading through more emails every day than I received, till I had finally whittled it all down to zero.

And this doesn’t mean that I’ve become a compulsive email checker, either. I don’t answer every email as soon as it hits my inbox, or anything crazy like that. Instead, it’s more of a once or twice a day thing, generally morning and evening. And if I notice things starting to pile up, I nip it in the bud before it can balloon into an even bigger problem simply by blocking out some time and dealing with it.

So I guess that makes the score so far Sarah – 1, Bad Habits – 0. Not a shabby start.

Tomorrow, Resolution #2: Falling asleep with my makeup on.

Sugar Cookies & Puppy Love

Sarah — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 03:39:38 +0000

Well, my baking bonanza was a success. I spent the better part of 3 glorious hours in the kitchen, cutting out shapes, drizzling icing and sprinkling coloured sugar. It’s a good thing I had prepared and refrigerated the dough on the weekend when Melissa and Carvill and I had a cookie-baking day of our own. Otherwise, I might have been in that kitchen for at least a couple more hours. I did, after all, make a double batch.

But all of my efforts were worth it. These cookies were gobbled up by my coworkers and at the end of the day when I went to check there were maybe 5 remaining in the tin, which I left for the night crew to enjoy. (Whoever got their hands on one before they were all gone, anyway.)

After my busy day on Wednesday, I was glad to be working from home yesterday and today. I definitely needed the peace and quiet. And Daisy was definitely missing me while I was gone too. She followed me around on Wednesday night from room to room, where ever I went, keeping an eye on me and cuddling me whenever I sat down.

To think that this is the same dog who was so independent and spurned my attentions when she was young, only to grow so attached to me in her old age. I can’t believe she’s gonna be 13 in February. Has it really been 13 years since I was 16, demanding that my parents let me buy her with the first earnings of my first job? Wow. It really is incredible how fast time flies.

Countdown

Sarah — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 22:50:32 +0000

{a little blurry, but I don’t mind.}

Christmas is almost upon us. Ten days to go. And the solstice is on Monday, which is definitely a special day for me, personally. I’ve spoken about my thoughts on the seasons before, and Yuletide is one of the major points on the wheel of the year. That blackest of nights that gives way to the promises of brighter, longer days to come. Though we still have the brunt of winter to get through, we can take comfort in knowing that every day now will be just a little bit longer. Until finally, we reach the promise of spring and a world reborn into new beauty.

But back to the topic at hand: Yule and Christmas. I unfortunately have to work on Monday and Tuesday next week, but after that both Dave and I have the rest of the month off, heading back to work in January. Even though I don’t have Monday off, I do want to do something special with Dave. Maybe something just the two of us. I’m picturing candles, but I haven’t gotten much beyond that yet. Either way, I can tell the solstice is close. As I write this, the sun is already going down and it’s barely 4:00.

I still haven’t finished my holiday shopping either. Dave is stopping at a store after work to pick up another gift, but after that we still have four people left to shop for, plus stocking-stuffers. I used to find Christmas shopping a lot easier and more enjoyable, but we’re on a much tighter budget this year, saving for the wedding and all. We’re trying to make it work but it’s made gift ideas a little harder to come by and the whole shopping experience seems a bit more tense. Once that’s done though I think I’ll be able to start enjoying myself the way I normally do at this time of year. Because usually, I’m that annoying person in every family that loves the holidays SO much, despite the fact that everyone else around them seems to be a giant grinch. As proof, I submit my Christmas Music playlist, currently standing at 100+ songs in length. It has been on heavy rotation in these here parts ever since the Santa Claus Parade.

ANd tomorrow is our office’s Holiday Lunch. My workplace is too poor to afford an actual Christmas party, so they have some catering brought in for us one day instead. That generally translates into not a lot of work getting done, which is fine by me. I’m planning on baking sugar cookies tonight to bring in as my contribution to the “party.” Sugar cookies with a drizzling of royal icing and sprinkles on top. What do you think? And I’ll try to remember to take pictures of my baking bonanza this evening, during which the aforementioned playlist will again be put to very good use.

T-minus 10 days and counting!

Things I am thinking about this morning.

Sarah — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 16:18:46 +0000

* Eating 10 pounds of sugar in the form of smarties, jub-jubs, cookies, etc. makes for quite the sugar-crash headache the next morning.

* Living in the moment seems a lot more fulfilling than freaking out, spending so much time planning for the future. Kyrie seems to do it pretty well. I think I should read her blog more often.

* It might be nice to try knitting a hat, but that might require me teaching myself how to knit in the round. Do I have time for that before Christmas?

* It is miserable outside. I do not like going outside when it is miserable. I have to go outside today.

* My camera is broken! Well, my good camera is broken. All I have now is my point-and-shoot. Sniff. No hand-shake minimization. I wish I could replace it with this but there’s no way on earth I could afford it. Double sniff.

* There must be an inverse relation between how much fun you have spending an evening baking cookies with friends and how much suckage there is cleaning up the kitchen the next morning. Sigh.

* Have I mentioned my good camera is broken? Whimper. Maybe I can look into buying a used DSLR….

In Between-ish

Sarah — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 01:13:53 +0000

Well, I’ve definitely decided that telecommuting is worth giving another try. Though it is gonna take some getting used to, finding a new routine. I’ve been telecommuting for a few days now, but inevitably I’ve been spending the whole day in my PJs and feeling out of whack because of it.

Today I’m trying something different. Attempting to ignore the pressure to begin work immediately upon waking up and instead starting when I’m good and ready. (Read “showered.”) I think part of the reason why the transition has been so hard and why it didn’t work before was because I’ve been trying to keep my hours up. But for me, working from home can’t be about putting in 40-hour weeks all the time any more, or I might as well be working in the office.

Changing one’s mindset is hard. And it’s harder than it sounds, acting as though you already are the person you want to be. Maybe I’m half way to pretending. Somewhere near that mid-lifechange point. There’s still a lot of prep work to be done and routines to be hammered out and some definite cleaning of my apparently neglected apartment to wade through, but perhaps once those things are in place it will be easier to wake up believing that I already am who I want to be. I just need to give myself more time. Time to settle in, time to clean up and time to focus on making plans for actually starting my career. Time to enjoy Christmas would be a nice bonus, too. And keeping crazy hours at my current job is not gonna help me with that.

So really, what this is is time to let go. I don’t have to be the best at that job anymore because now, I’m learning to be the best at something else.

This time… Yes.

Sarah — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 16:00:57 +0000

Okay, so, it’s no secret: I HATE MY JOB. I hate it up one side and down the other. I can’t even remember when I stopped liking it and started hating it. Was it one year ago? Two? More? And yet, I’ve been fighting with myself about it despite wanting to quit. I guess the big problem is that I don’t wanna let a certain love of my life down. I feel like if I quit or even just cut back on hours before having a new job perfectly lined up to pay all the bills he’d be disappointed or worse. Don’t get me wrong, I know money is “important.” But with my current crappy job we are JUST paying the bills. No savings. No buffer. No spending money, even. And the problem is, with this job sucking away all my time (and me working way too hard for almost nothing) it leaves no time to look for a new job, start a business, or develop my passions. All I do is work and eat and sleep, work and eat and sleep. No balance. No hope. No future. And I know most people think that should be okay and be enough. I mean, I should feel lucky and privileged just to have a job at all in this economy, right? Because it seems like the general consensus is that money is more important than everything, even saving yourself from sinking into depression because you’ve ended up living a completely unfulfilling life.

Well, I guess money isn’t my only reason for sticking around at this crummy job. I really do like the people I work with, although most of them are gone already or headed out the door, at least. That shouldn’t really be a reason though. I shouldn’t stay in a job I hate for other people. But any way I turn, there doesn’t seem to be a way out of this situation. No matter where I look it’s the same: I need money. I guess there may be one way to ease my troubles. If I telecommute to the office there would be fewer wasted hours in my day. More time for the things that really matter. And the more I make those things matter, the possibly less I will have to work that hellish job. My only problem is that I tried that once before and the stress and deadlines of the job had me working in my PJs all day, unable to even take the time to walk my dog when she sat crying by the door with a full bladder. I guess it was the pressure not to disappoint or perhaps my inability to say “NO, THIS IS TOO MUCH WORK.” Or, you know, just to have the self-worth to put myself first over any crummy job making demands on my time. I was always super-distracted too because EVERYTHING in my life is way more important (in my eyes) than this horrible job, so it always felt like such a waste of time, working, when I could have been doing more important things, money notwithstanding.

But I can’t keep hemming and hawing forever. I need to pull the trigger, make a choice, set a direction and follow it. I need to stop feeling bad or thinking “what if” or hoping that a change will find me all on it’s own. Yes, money is important, but is it important at the expense of my future? I always thought that everything would be so much easier once I finished university, but it just seems to have gotten that much more complicated. Building a career is a lifetime commitment and there are no mid-semester breaks. There is no half-assing it if you want to be successful. You have to believe it and just do it. Don’t let money make you scared or you will spend your entire life living in fear (like I have.) I can’t do that anymore. I can’t be okay with that being my life. I can’t spend all my time worrying about what other people will think.

The Year of Freedom is almost over, gone before it every really began. By this time next year I’ll be 30 and I’ll be married. So maybe it’s time to stop dreaming of who I’ll be when I grow up and start living my life being that person. I read a blog post the other day from a very talented artist. Her words were simple: Fake it till you make it. Pretend that you’re already the person that you want to be and one day you’ll wake up and you won’t be pretending anymore. That’s just who you’ll be.

I didn’t really sleep that well last night. I woke up around 3 AM and never really got back to sleep. Just too much on my mind, I guess. But it was good in a way, I had time to think. And so I’ve decided that though I may have been up for hours already by that point, when dawn finally broke this morning I stopped being Sarah: wussy-faced whiner and chronic daydreamer. Instead, I became Sarah: professional organizer and interior decorator. If 2009 was the Year of Freedom, 2010 will be the Year of Change. You can bet your bottom dollar on that. I know I will be.

Some Thoughts

Sarah — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 22:00:43 +0000

I found myself feeling overwhelmingly philosophical this morning. More than usual, it would seem. Most of the time I keep my philosophical thoughts to myself. In our “modern” world, it has become something of a faux pas to start up a philosophical discussion. And with the frantic pace of 21st century lives, who really has time to waste on philosophy anyway? So really, I guess I don’t talk about this much, but I am actually an acutely seasonally-minded person. More than any organized religion ever has, the spiritual side of me is awakened by a reverence for nature as it continually renews itself through the turning of the seasons. I see creation in all things from stardust to my pinky toe and I have respect for them all, equally. Call it what you will, this is just how I feel in my heart.

And as you know, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my day-to-day life, what it’s been like for these past few years and how much of it has been lived on autopilot. And part of what bothers me so much is that I don’t live what I feel, partly because I worry about being judged as a weirdo, but more because of this autopilot fallback postioin my life often takes. I guess it’s just another offshoot of the general thoughts I’ve been having about mapping a direction for the rest of my life. Now that I am happily engaged, it seems as though philosophical and practical questions are colliding. I’m questioning what kind of future I want it to be: Where do we want to live and “settle down”? How soon after the wedding do we want to start having kids? How are we even gonna afford this wedding and what kind of lifestyle changes will we have to make to save that kind of money? How do I start living a more seasonally-minded life so that I don’t feel quite so spiritually hollow all the time and can start creating the home and family that our future children will eventually be welcomed into? And where does a career and the need to make money fit into all this? Because I am still struggling with knowing what to do in that aspect of my life, and generally trying to fight back the overwhelming fear that in this recession-ridden world, me and my Celtic Studies degree are completely unhireable.

As usual, I don’t seem to have any of the answers to my questions. Part of it is that I don’t really know where to begin and part of it is that no matter how hard I try, it is increasingly difficult or me to feel at home in our cramped upper floor apartment, living in someone else’s house in the dirty urban core of a major metropolitan city. No money + no car + no job with a future = staying put right here without even being able to change my surroundings even a little bit to spruce it up and make it feel more homey.

There I go, sounding all down and sorry for myself again. I’m not really, I swear. I guess I’m still just floundering, looking for square one of where to being. It’s just hard to feel connected to nature when all you see outside your window is concrete and brick. But take that first step I must, whatever it may be, because I refuse to stay living in this limbo. I need to start being mindful and fully present in my own life, not just coasting through it. I need to create the life and the future and the family I want, not just lie back and wait for it to find me.

Making the Big Choices

Sarah — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 23:00:37 +0000

Safe or happy? Safe? Or happy?

That was the question that was twirling around my mind on the way home from physio yesterday. Do I choose a play-it-safe life or do I choose one that’s happy and fulfilled? Is there a way to choose both?

And what keeps holding me back from being my authentic self? From leading the life I’ve always wanted to live? From doing what will make me happy rather than continuously falling back into bad old habits. That is one of my biggest fears right now, that after this whole month-long experience is over, I’ll simply go back to work and nothing will have changed.

How do I be that person and live that life that I always dreamed of? What makes it so significantly different from the life I’ve been leading? The answers to these questions are, I think, the next big list that I want to tackle. I like lists. They work for me and often help me pinpoint the swirling thoughts in my head. I just need to do some good, hard thinking about the whole thing.

Because I want to be the one leading my life, making the conscious choices and decisions. I do not want my life to be leading me. Ever.

Veggies for Everyone!

Sarah — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 12:00:17 +0000

Dave and I joined a CSA this summer and we’re into week 3 of our veggie deliveries. It’s so fantastic to have all sorts of local, in season, fresh, organic goodness to eat every week. (Though we may be ODing on lettuce for the rest of the month.)

We’ve both been trying to get in shape and be more healthy since March. We’ve been going to a gym and changing our diet a lot, both in what we eat and how much of it. Not that we weren’t eating veggies before, we were. It’s just well, small changes can help in the biggest ways. So as part of that, we’ve been eating even more fruits and veggies than ever before. Heck, sometimes 75% of our meal will be veggies. And though it does take a bit of extra prep work, we’re actually enjoying finding different ways to eat them.

Anyway, back to the CSA. Basically, we get a quarter of a bushel of fresh, locally grown veggies every Tuesday for 20 of the 52 weeks of the year. It changes from week to week depending on what’s in season and ready to go. I’m personally loving it and I think Dave is too.

And if I’ve left you with a fever for veggies, you can find out more about our CSA here:
Twin Creeks Organic Farm

New Territory

Sarah — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 12:00:10 +0000

Okay, here it is. I’ve gotten to a point that I’ve been to before but rarely, if ever, moved beyond. The dishes are under control, the laundry done, the apartment clean, tidy and organized. I so rarely get to this point. (Have I mentioned that already?) It is my normal state to be behind, trying desperately to do all the things yelling at me all at once to get done. Where do I go from here?

This feels like new territory and I don’t wanna mess it up. I think the next step is to tackle the kinds of things that I always put off. The things I get excited for when they are new but then they inevitably end up on a shelf because guilt stops me from indulging in such “wastes of time.” I rarely start projects and it’s even rarer that I finish them. I wonder if I’ll be able to introduce this next step successfully without guilting myself into ignoring or avoiding.

I know I sound vague, but my life has always been, “one day I’ll have the time/money/energy to do that.” Maybe that “one day” is now. Maybe I can figure out how to live a normal life…

After One Week

Sarah — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 20:31:11 +0000

So, at the end of my first week of freedom, where do I stand? I’m all but phlegm-free for one. But has any progress been made? What have I learned about myself and what I want? Well…

I like this slower pace.

I like not having headaches all the time.

I like quiet mornings and quiet evenings and busy in-betweens.

I don’t like downtown Toronto, would rather live in the country but will settle for someplace far enough away from the core as soon as I can afford a car. Because while a car is crazy expensive, my time is worth too much to commute from the fringes by transit.

I really dislike not having a private yard, so I’m still toying with the idea of moving. We’ll stay here until October and see where we stand at that point. Maybe I’ll wait till spring if the new jobs are within commuting distance from here.

Because I do need a different job. I don’t think that, in general, I will mind working hard enough and long enough at a job to get the things I want, but I hate my current job with its harsh deadlines, zero respect and the inability to ever get a raise or promotion. I think a lot of my unhappiness has been coming from feeling trapped in that job and the stagnating version of my life that is the direct result. I just have to keep applying. It doesn’t matter if I’ve applied for a million jobs and heard from none, all that matters is that I keep trying and keep applying. I mean, someone’s gonna have to hire me eventually. I just need to keep trying and not let myself get discouraged when I don’t hear anything.

Because I can’t control everything in the universe. Shocking, I know. But I actually have very little say about what inevitably happens, so I need to start trying to let go of my stranglehold on events and trust instead that things will work out.

And part two of that is to stop holding on to so much stuff, all in the chance that I might need it one day. Holding onto things just in case or for sentimental value never leaves room in your life for wonderful new things to come in! So I’m thinking of doing some reorganizing and purging while I have the time. It may be slow goings though, since I’m trying to really think about the purpose and the function of everything.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for this week. It seems like a lot of good stuff to have figured out already, considering I’ve been so sick. Here’s hoping that the rest of my time off is equally productive.

Once the late evening comes…

Sarah — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 22:00:14 +0000

Once the late evening comes, everything remains in shadow, except for the tops of the tallest trees, whose leaves glitter in the last of the fading sunlight. The air in the evening smells deeper, richer. It carries the smell of grass and berries and pollen. Nearby, I hear the shrill screams of children playing. Everything seems so different during childhood. The summer days seem so long and twilight is a magical time. Cicadas chirp in the trees during the day and crickets chirp in the grass at night.

I remember the summers of my childhood. All day, every day, running around outside with friends, building tree houses, playing make believe. And then at night, when the heat would break and the thunder and lightening would come, I’d huddle in my bed excitedly waiting for the next earsplitting crack.

I remember being really happy during those summers. I never even remember being bothered by the humidity. I think it was the freedom of living on a quiet suburban street, able to spend unstructured hour upon unstructured hour finding ways to entertain myself. I was never bored but I do remember always wishing to be grown up. I couldn’t wait to be 18. That was the age when you were an adult and your parents couldn’t tell you to come in for dinner right at the best part of the game.

Now that I am a grown up, I wish that summers were still like that, where you had all the unstructured free time you could want to pursue your every fancy. I’ve been thinking about that a lot as I try to reclaim a little bit of it this summer. All I’m missing is having a yard and a chance to have grass between my toes.

On an unrelated note, I’m thinking that I would also like to ween myself off of evenings full of TV. Instead, maybe I’ll go for evening walks or read a book or do some knitting. Something quiet. I like TV, I do, I just think I’ve had too much of it in my life for a while and maybe summer is a good time to take a break from that. I’m just sayin’.

The Best Laid Plans

Sarah — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 22:00:03 +0000

Sigh. Still sick over here. This morning I was getting so fed up with this cold that I actually took some cold medicine, something I view as a last resort. It wasn’t a miracle cure but it did enable me to breathe through my nose for a while. And it was better than nothing, so I though I’d take the opportunity to return some books to the library and pick up some others that I had on hold. Plus, it killed two birds with one stone since Daisy was getting antsy for that late-morning walk she’s developed quite the ardent taste for.

I briefly toyed with the idea of also picking up some things we need from the grocery store and the drugstore and maybe swinging by the bank, but I changed my mind on that pretty quickly after another excellent sneezefest hit. Besides, leaving Daisy outside the library for a couple minutes while I pop in is one thing. Leaving her outside the grocery store for the better part of a half-hour would never fly.

So I got dressed and ready, books in hand, dog in tow. But, ladies and gents, what do you suppose should be the case when I finally get up said library? The damn thing is closed! That’s right. Apparently, for some unknown and completely stupid reason, the library doesn’t open until 12:30 on Thursdays. I was pissed and confused. I looked at my watch: 11:45. That was 45 minutes until it finally opened. Well, going to the store and the bank to kill time were still out of the question, especially since I’d left what I needed for those trips at home. And the thought of walking all the way home and back again felt like more than my dwindling energy levels could bare. What to do? What to do?

Well, I thought, I do have a bag full of books with me, and I did just pass a park…

So back I went to the park and found a sunny spot in the grass to sit and read. Daisy was confused. When we go for walks we generally, you know, walk. She was not used to this whole staying-in-one-spot thing, not when in foreign territory anyway. After a few whimpers and much sniffing around she got over it and settled in. The grass was damp and cool and the sun was nice and warm. I pulled out a book I hadn’t gotten around to reading before it was due and dove in.

And it was nice, if a little odd for me. See, I never just randomly sit in the park, or anywhere for that matter. I never have that kind of time. Usually if I’m gonna take a break, I take it in the comfort of my own home where, once the break is done, I can quickly move on to the next task on the never-ending to-do list. But this forced impromptu park visit made me remember how nice it is to do things outside by yourself. Not because you’re going somewhere, but just because it’s nice to be outside. It’s something I don’t do nearly as much as I used to since I don’t have my own private yard or anything anymore.

But it was fun and it was relaxing, and maybe during my time off I’ll try out a planned park excursion. Who knows, I may even get a tan! Though I think, in future, I’ll make sure to bring a blanket to save my butt from the damp (tee-hee!)

The Rhythm

Sarah — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 22:00:44 +0000

So I thought about it, and here’s what I came up with as a template for my days:

On most mornings, when I’m not fighting off illness, I tend to wake up naturally around 7:00. I’ll do the tea/coffee and email/blog thing for a half hour or so. Just enough to keep the email landslide at bay. While I like and enjoy technology, I’m trying to make sure I’m not a slave to it. I was starting to feel that way for a while there, but I think that recently, I’ve found some balance on that front and no longer need to read every twitter or respond to every blog post. There just would never be enough hours in the day.

After that is the usual shower/breakfast/get dressed trio, and Daisy often needs a mid-morning walk as soon as I’m presentable. Perhaps I’ll take the camera along on some of these and see where we go.

An early afternoon snack, say around 1ish, with a magazine and a cup of tea may be a nice way to break up my day. I’m thinking it also may be enough of a break to shake me out of any possible morning brain-stuck I feel setting in. Because the plan is to not waste away entire days uselessly.

Tuesday afternoons are the Farmer’s Market/CSA pickup, and taking some time to peruse fresh veggies is always a real treat. And the bonus of being off this month is that I can get there early and swoop up the good stuff before it’s gone. You know, instead of being the one at 5:45 in the afternoon, moaning, “Darn! The peas and spinach are all gone again?!”

And I hate late dinners (one of the blights of my current existence) so if I start cooking promptly at 4 p.m. every afternoon, I’ll never have to worry about feeling bloated at 10 p.m. and may even have enough space for the occasional dessert!

And finally, since I generally tend to run myself into the ground every evening before plunking down into bed too tired to even wash the makeup off my face, 8 p.m. will now be my Gettin’ Ready for Bed Time. I’ll still probably end up doing all sorts of things in the evenings before falling into bed exhausted, but at least I’ll be doing them fresh-faced and already safely in the PJs.

Now you’ll probably notice that there are a lot of things that I didn’t book into this schedule, and that was on purpose. There are things I wanna do when I’m ready, when the mood strikes. Not when my schedule says I must do it. Stuff like writing, trips to the gym and the library, more walks with Daisy, visiting with friends, chores, chats with my mom, etc. I want each individual day to have its own feeling. To be memorable in some different way, instead of each being exactly the same, stamped out by a cookie cutter. I get enough of that during my workdays. This time isn’t about that, it’s about discovering me.

Feeling (somewhat) Better

Sarah — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 22:00:16 +0000

Well, my chest cold has broken into a lovely cough with stuffy/runny nose to match. But I do seem to be getting my energy back, albeit in small spurts. It was enough for me to take Daisy on a walk around the block this morning. And I really should’ve taken the camera with me when I did. New summer flowers have been popping up everywhere while I’ve been cooped up inside. Roses and tiger lilies, especially. They’re everywhere and they look gorgeous. Note to self: Remember to take the camera next time we go out.

And because I’ve had more energy, this morning actually resembled something closer to a real morning, rather than me just getting up and moving directly to the couch. Which reminds me. I did have “plans” to settle on a rhythm to my days, something that everything else will free-flow around as I see fit. So I’ll be posting my shot at putting virtual pen to paper and thinking up a routine that works tomorrow.

PS – What the HECK was the name of that show from when we were kids where two teams of two children had to do ridiculous things, including making some disgusting concoction that the other had to eat the most of before the time was over. I seem to recall flour and M&M’s and peanut butter but…. What the heck was the name of that show?!

On Writing

Sarah — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 12:00:41 +0000

When I was young, I used to dream of being a writer. I had all sorts of fairytale-esque story outlines tucked in notebooks all over the place. I remember during my babysitting years, telling two of my charges a bedtime story based on one of these story scraps I had. Inevitably, their parents returned home before we came to the end of the story and I left for home. The next day, their mother called me. Apparently both girls were desperate to know how the story ended. I had to tell them that I didn’t know how it ended because what I’d told them was all I’d made up.

I used to be a voracious reader as well, inhaling anything with even somewhat intriguing cover copy. As I got older, school readings became more important than anything else and my love of reading dwindled under the weight of being told what to read. But my love of writing never really faded. It did, however, quickly move away from the fictional towards the introspective and autobiographical. As I grew up, and there was less of a chance that my siblings would sneaking a peek, my journal entries became much more self-reflexive, without the fear of reprisals. When I write today, it continues to be self-reflexive, and I am buoyed by all the like-minded blogs I read out there from equally introspective women. (Peruse the blogroll at the side or email me for recomendations if you’re interested.) Even my reading has turned from the fictional to the non-fictional, even so far as the autobiographical. I’m picking up The Gentle Art of Domesticity again. It’s a book I’ve owned for a while but didn’t have the energy to devote to the kind of digestion that it deserved. During this month, I think I’ll have the clarity to take it all in, especially since my own goals in life so closely reflect those pages.

My mother still thinks that I should write children’s books. It’s true that I do have a vivid imagination. But I’d much rather write about this life as I experience it. The joy and pain, the ups and downs. There’s a whole section in the library for autobiographies, mostly those of famous people who have done wonderful or terrible things. But what about the autobiographies of simple people, doing simple things? To me, those are the more important. They are the true reflections of a society, of a life, of a time. So that’s why I write, to preserve my memories as they happen. To write my own autobiography as a testament to the simple and to the good.

The Long Slog

Sarah — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 17:16:22 +0000

So yesterday was something, that’s for sure. After that last post, I started looking up all sorts of stuff about the countryside. Then my mind turned towards farming and how cool it would be to have an organic micro-ecofarm. I even asked Dave what he though about it. But like the level-headed half of this partnership that he is, he stayed typically reserved and noncommittal.

Well, I went back to my research, looking all sorts of things up. But the more I researched, the less sure I became. What if this was me grasping at anything again? How could one buy and start a farm with a negative amount of money in the bank, anyway? And that inevitably led to another meltdown. I ended up crying, feeling trapped by my lack of choices in life, worrying about the future, and upset with myself that I’d tried to grasp onto another harebrained scheme again when I promised myself I’d stop doing that.

Seeing my distress once again, Dave sat me down. He said, “Look, I think you’re trying to jump from Step 1 to Step 3 without going through Step 2. Getting to where we wanna be in life is gonna take a lot of hard work and sacrifice, more than we’ve had to do in the past. But you need to be prepared. It’s like that old equation says, any project can only be two of these three things: done with high quality, done on time or done on budget. If you want something of high quality done on time, it’s gonna cost you. If you want something done fast and cheap, you forgo quality, and if you opt for high quality done on the cheap (which is probably a good analogy for what we want from life) it’s gonna take a long time to get there.” Longer than, oh, the five minutes I generally have been giving myself. What can I say, patience has never been one of my virtues.

We continued talking, Dave trying to make me feel better, and me trying to be okay with our current lot in life. I eventually came around to the realization that I end up so easily grasping onto all these random career paths because none of my life goals actually have anything to do with a career. My dreams for a self-sufficient life of gardening, baking and child-rearing has zero to do with working for the man or climbing the corporate ladder. “So,” Dave said, “maybe what you need is some crap job to help you get from here to there. Maybe that’s what we both need.” But we already have crap jobs that pay more than a lot of crap jobs and we barely scrape enough money together every month. “Ah, yes,” he said, “but we currently have dead-end crap jobs. What we need are crap jobs with some growth potential.” So that’s the point we’re at now, thinking about looking for crap jobs with growth potential so that we can scrimp our way from here to a home we can fix up, with a huge yard and/or a little bit of land. So that one day I can feel like something of a suburban homesteader: growing things, making things, raising children and being happy. That’s the real goal. And the real detriment to our current jobs, since it is unlikely that we well ever get another raise or promotion there. We instead just remain in a holding pattern, able to pay most of the monthly bills but forever hounded by the thousands of dollars of impenetrable school debt I have. (Hard to believe, huh, that we both have respected university degrees and we’ve come to the conclusion that all we can hope for in life is getting a crap job?)

Maybe we’ll have to move to a basement in Scarborough, cancel the phones and the cable TV. There are some debts that can’t be reduced, that we’ll just have to keep paying till they’re gone, like our gym debt. It was a good idea, and I’m happy we did it, but getting a trainer at the gym was, in all honesty, way beyond what we could afford and I shouldn’t have made us do it. We all live with the consequences of our actions, I guess.

So I have a month to figure out how to live the next five years on the cheap. Somewhere in there getting rid of my $40,000 school debt, saving a down payment for a home and perhaps even starting a family. Cloth diapers are still nouveau-chic, right?

Escape to the Country

Sarah — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 19:00:40 +0000

Whenever I read British magazines like, say, Country Living, I often get overwhelmed with a sense of nostalgia and longing. There is something so different and almost idealized about the British countryside. It seems fuller, richer, more respected, and filled with greater opportunity.

Trying to compare the countryside life I see in British books, movies, magazines and TV to the Ontario countryside is like night and day. (Though, admittedly, I have no experience with one and very little experience with the other.) The Ontario countryside that I’ve experienced is, frankly, little more than urban sprawl. Outside of Toronto is the GTA, which seems to be another name for vast subdivisions of hastily erected houses on too-cramped lots, close by newly erected Smart Centres. (You know, those giant parking lots ringed with various big-box stores.) There doesn’t seem to be any town life or career opportunity close to home out there. It just seems to be nothing but a holding pen for middle-class families whose parents commute the hours a day into the city for their office jobs. Ugh. And beyond that are aging towns whose young people have moved on to greener, concrete-laden pastures. My view may be admittedly biased but it is the view from here: living outside of Toronto is career suicide.

All may know my great dislike for city living. The longer I live here, the less I find things appealing. Especially in this internet age when one can have almost anything shipped straight to their door by Canada Post. In fact, if I could figure out a way to make a living in the country doing something with my hands and my mind that didn’t require a two-hour daily commute back into the city, I think I would do it. The what has never seemed quite as important as the where. Probably because there are a lot of things I could do that would make me perfectly content and have nothing to do with a computer or a six-lane highway. However, one cannot live in the country unless one owns a car. (Or wishes to be completely cut off permanently from the outside world.) Also, I doubt Dave would appreciate the country life as much as I would, nor would he appreciate leaving all our friends behind in the city.

But the more I think about it, the more I wish it were possible. I mean, I know very little about Western or Eastern Ontario. My only experience, as I said, is with the GTA, north to Muskoka and east to Peterborough. An admittedly small sample to be making such broad deductions with. Perhaps I can do a little research. Because I think that the longer I stay in the city, the unhappier I feel. And since I can’t really move to the British countryside anytime soon, this may be a good start.

Yesterday and Today

Sarah — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 23:21:53 +0000

So yesterday was my last day at work. Stretching before me now is a whole month to figure stuff out. Yesterday was also my friends Ram and Mezan’s respective birthdays. It was a lot of fun to go out for dinner and before we left, Ram was awesome enough to let me borrow his Canon DSLR for a couple weeks. I’ve been drooling over the Canon Rebel series from afar for a while now, and it will be nice to actually get to try one out. Especially now that I have this time off and I want to blog my way through it, having a camera that takes great pictures will be super helpful, I think.

I’m a very visual person, and being able to see the world around me through a camera lens, while I decide which path to take, will be a different and challenging experience. I’m usually too wrapped up in myself to remember to take pictures of anything. Yet, whenever I do, I’m always so happy with them. They end up meaning a lot to me, like my grad photos that I just edited and uploaded this morning. I was happy to have those pictures and with them, the ability to remember that moment clearly. Since I am trying to slow down, be more deliberate and think about things more, the camera should help. I just have to remember not to get so caught up in it that I’m not actually experiencing the moment. The perfect capture every time is not necessary.

But on the side of the slightly ironic, what do you suppose happened today, on this, my first day off? Why, I feel like I’m coming down with something, that’s what. The feeling I had in my lungs and chest this morning was as though I had spent last night puffing my way through an entire pack of cigarettes. Something I have not actually done in a long time, and certainly didn’t do last night. I really hope this doesn’t knock me down for the count, but I was planning on forcing myself to take this time slowly, so this may just be the universe’s way of making sure that I do.

You know, it really is amazing how much of a weight I feel lifted off of me, just since I got the okay from my boss to take this time off. It’s shocking really, especially since earlier this week I could feel myself drowning fast. I’m almost worried that this euphoria will mask some of the goals I have for this time. This feel-good surge will be all too fleeting if I wind up right back where I started after this month is over. I just can’t let that happen. I’ve been letting almost everything blow past me in a daze of unresponsiveness lately. If this is going to work, it will have to be deliberate.

Fingers crossed and here we go.

Mornings (or: Happy Canada Day)

Sarah — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 12:00:47 +0000

You know, it is so much easier for me to wake up when I’m not dreading the day. Most weekday mornings I doze till it’s almost too late, finally dragging myself out of bed after hitting snooze for the second or third time. But any morning I know is my own, I wake up naturally refreshed and happy, long before the alarm is even set to go off.

This morning was like that. The sun rose and I followed, just before 7. Daisy got up with me, ready for her morning walk and so I tied back my hair, threw on a pair of jeans and took her around the block.

I love early summer mornings. There’s always just a touch of cool to the breeze, since the sun hasn’t quite risen far enough to make it muggy and uncomfortable yet. This morning was like that. It was refreshing and awakening. On weekday mornings there’s always such hustle and bustle going on in the neighbourhood, but today was like a Sunday, almost. The streets were all but deserted except for the occasional dog walker or elderly woman watering her garden. Even the pigeons had yet to come down from their roost atop the old school. They still sat up there in pairs and threes, cooing to each other in the weak sunlight.

Daisy, as usual, thought it necessary to smell everything, so our walk was slow. Which was fine by me. On weekdays I all but drag her through her walks, always feeling rushed to get back and get on with whatever else is left to do on the laundry list of daily chores. But no, this morning was leisurely. Flowers always smell sweeter first thing in the morning, right after they’ve opened. I always find it amazing how many flowers can be crammed into the tiny front yards of downtown homes

Eventually we made our way back and, as usual, Daisy demanded immediate feeding before promptly going back to bed for a snooze. But I stayed up, having a cup of coffee, relishing the fact that I had the chance to sit down with a cup rather than having to pack it into a travel mug or buy one on the go. I wish all mornings could be like this: quiet, sunny, warm, calm. Gives me a peaceful feeling that I carry through the day. You know, rather than the frantic and rushed knot in the pit of my stomach that I carry around most days. It’s too bad, really. Something tells me that most mornings used to be like this…a long, long time ago.