…let the Year of Change begin!
How did 2009 go by so fast? Wasn’t it just summer? Didn’t we just move into our new apartment? The Year of Freedom turned out to be nothing like I expected it to be. Yet, it was definitely a year of growth. Looking back, I know I am not the same person I was a year ago. And I can honestly say that the differences are all for the better.
I have already dubbed 2010 The Year of Change, and so it shall be. There are two babies scheduled to arrive in our families come April. I’m going to become an Aunt (for the first time) twice in the span of one month. Exciting! Plus, of course, I’m getting married. By this time next year I’ll be a wedded woman, with a completely different last name. That thought is still taking some getting used to. If it felt like 2009 went by quickly, I just know that 2010 is going to go by even faster.
But I can’t just let it fly past. I need to have a direction and a plan for this year so I can tackle all the wonderful changes as they come. Which leads me to New Year’s resolutions. Everybody has an idealized conception of the person they could be if only: If only they weighed less, ate better. If only they were more spontaneous, or more organized, or more motivated, or more something. But is holding onto this ideal so wrong? I don’t think so. (Unless the goals are ridiculously unattainable and/or unhealthy, that is.) I always make New Year’s resolutions, and this year I’m spurred on by last year’s resolution successes.
I think it’s healthy to see yourself as a work in progress. To know that every morning, or once a year, we have a chance to make a fresh start. It’s a chance to get one step closer to that ideal person we wish we could be, knowing that having an ideal is not necessarily the same thing as having an end goal. Ideals change and grow just as we do as people. So though they can never be completely reached, they are always good to have.
So yeah, I think I’ll do the same thing for this year’s resolutions as I did for last year’s resolutions review — one a day for five days. Sound cool? Okay, then check back here tomorrow for the first of my 2010 resolutions!!
This is it, the end of the line. The last look back at 2009 before looking forward to the new year ahead.
My last resolution of 2009 was to get a “financial” life. And how did I do? Well, not so good. But not for lack of trying!! I reconsolidated my student loans (but they’re still there, looming). My employer put a pay freeze in place for 2009 (which meant no raise for me). And the gym/trainer turned out to be a huge financial investment (though WELL worth it). So, as you can probably guess, there really wasn’t any extra money floating around last year.
Still, I didn’t give up and I not only reduced my credit-card debt, but I cancelled my crazy high-rate card and switched to one with a much lower interest rate. Less interest means debt gets paid off faster! So I guess I will have to call this one another tie. I may not have gotten all the way to my goal, but I was able to make some progress.
Final Tally: Sarah – 3, Bad Habits – 2.
Well, it looks like in the grand scheme of things I was able to kick more of my bad habits than not last year, and to make some good progress on a couple more. Yay! I think I would call 2009 a successful year, resolutionarily speaking. (Is that a word? Probably not. Whatevs.)
And I’m looking forward to 2010. I’ve already decided on my resolutions for this year, but that’s a post for another day.
This brings us to my penultimate resolution of 2009: To join a gym and get in shape. So, how did I do?
I am more than proud to say that despite how may times I had made and failed at this resolution in the past, in 2009 I finally succeeded. For those who know what this gobbledy-gook means, I reduced my total body fat by almost 10% and my overall weight went down by 15lbs. So if you remember that muscle weighs more than fat, you can understand what a drastic change this has been for me.
I’m a tiny person (5′ 1″) and to drop two whole dress sizes in less than a year has been huge. And to be able to look this way on my wedding day is going to be just the best feeling in the world.
Sarah – 2.5, Bad Habits – 1.5. Score one for me!
Tomorrow we come to the end. My last resolution of 2009: Get a financial life.
My third resolution of 2009 was to take more pictures.
I think I started out strong with this resolution, but midway through the year my vigour wained. There’s probably a direct correlation between my lack of photos and my amount of stress at work, leading up to the Month of Freedom. After that, the rest of 2009 moved by in a speedy blur and just as I started wanting to take more pictures again, I realized that my good camera had broken (most likely during the move) and all I was left with was a crappy point-and-shoot that couldn’t take a sharp photo to save my life.
It was excruciating, and I tried to make it work, but it didn’t really. So I finally gave in and got my first DSLR at a Boxing Day sale. Hopefully, this means I’m gonna be taking copious amounts of photos in 2010. Just oodles and oodles.
But for the purpose of tallying my 2009 resolutions, I’d have to say this one’s a tie. Sarah – 1.5, Bad Habits – 1.5. Hmm…we’re neck and neck it seems.
Coming down to it now. Tomorrow, Resolution #4: Join a gym and get in shape.
Okey-doke. Moving right along. How did I do on my second resolution of last year, namely:
2. Stop falling asleep with my makeup on.
Wah-wah. That’s the sound of the sad trombone. Here, I am sorry to say, I was a total failure. Total. So total, in fact, that I’m putting that sucker right back on my resolutions list for 2010. With the wedding coming up, I really need to get my skin in better shape and this is definitely Step 1.
Sarah – 1, Bad Habits – 1. Blarg.
Next, Resolution #3: Take more pictures.
So, two weeks into the new year and the question still remains: How well did I do with 2009′s resolutions? Let’s break it down, one a day for the next 5 days. Before I delve in though, how about a recap?
Sarah’s 2009 New Year’s Resolutions
1. Clear my inboxes down to zero and then keep them clear.
2. Stop falling asleep with my makeup on.
3. Take more pictures.
4. Join a gym and get in shape.
5. Get a financial life.
So, after a year of working at it, how well (or poorly) did I do in these 5 areas? First up, my inbox.
Well, I’m proud to say that my struggles with overflowing email inboxes are over and my work at this resolution has been a total success. After years and years of feeling overwhelmed by hundreds and hundreds of emails just sitting there yelling at me, I finally took the bull by the horns. I developed a better labelling and filing system for my email, did a lot of kamikaze deleting of old stuff and unsubscribed from A LOT of useless newsletters. After that, it was all about slowly but surely reading through more emails every day than I received, till I had finally whittled it all down to zero.
And this doesn’t mean that I’ve become a compulsive email checker, either. I don’t answer every email as soon as it hits my inbox, or anything crazy like that. Instead, it’s more of a once or twice a day thing, generally morning and evening. And if I notice things starting to pile up, I nip it in the bud before it can balloon into an even bigger problem simply by blocking out some time and dealing with it.
So I guess that makes the score so far Sarah – 1, Bad Habits – 0. Not a shabby start.
Tomorrow, Resolution #2: Falling asleep with my makeup on.
Well, my baking bonanza was a success. I spent the better part of 3 glorious hours in the kitchen, cutting out shapes, drizzling icing and sprinkling coloured sugar. It’s a good thing I had prepared and refrigerated the dough on the weekend when Melissa and Carvill and I had a cookie-baking day of our own. Otherwise, I might have been in that kitchen for at least a couple more hours. I did, after all, make a double batch.
But all of my efforts were worth it. These cookies were gobbled up by my coworkers and at the end of the day when I went to check there were maybe 5 remaining in the tin, which I left for the night crew to enjoy. (Whoever got their hands on one before they were all gone, anyway.)
After my busy day on Wednesday, I was glad to be working from home yesterday and today. I definitely needed the peace and quiet. And Daisy was definitely missing me while I was gone too. She followed me around on Wednesday night from room to room, where ever I went, keeping an eye on me and cuddling me whenever I sat down.
To think that this is the same dog who was so independent and spurned my attentions when she was young, only to grow so attached to me in her old age. I can’t believe she’s gonna be 13 in February. Has it really been 13 years since I was 16, demanding that my parents let me buy her with the first earnings of my first job? Wow. It really is incredible how fast time flies.
 {a little blurry, but I don’t mind.}
Christmas is almost upon us. Ten days to go. And the solstice is on Monday, which is definitely a special day for me, personally. I’ve spoken about my thoughts on the seasons before, and Yuletide is one of the major points on the wheel of the year. That blackest of nights that gives way to the promises of brighter, longer days to come. Though we still have the brunt of winter to get through, we can take comfort in knowing that every day now will be just a little bit longer. Until finally, we reach the promise of spring and a world reborn into new beauty.
But back to the topic at hand: Yule and Christmas. I unfortunately have to work on Monday and Tuesday next week, but after that both Dave and I have the rest of the month off, heading back to work in January. Even though I don’t have Monday off, I do want to do something special with Dave. Maybe something just the two of us. I’m picturing candles, but I haven’t gotten much beyond that yet. Either way, I can tell the solstice is close. As I write this, the sun is already going down and it’s barely 4:00.
I still haven’t finished my holiday shopping either. Dave is stopping at a store after work to pick up another gift, but after that we still have four people left to shop for, plus stocking-stuffers. I used to find Christmas shopping a lot easier and more enjoyable, but we’re on a much tighter budget this year, saving for the wedding and all. We’re trying to make it work but it’s made gift ideas a little harder to come by and the whole shopping experience seems a bit more tense. Once that’s done though I think I’ll be able to start enjoying myself the way I normally do at this time of year. Because usually, I’m that annoying person in every family that loves the holidays SO much, despite the fact that everyone else around them seems to be a giant grinch. As proof, I submit my Christmas Music playlist, currently standing at 100+ songs in length. It has been on heavy rotation in these here parts ever since the Santa Claus Parade.
ANd tomorrow is our office’s Holiday Lunch. My workplace is too poor to afford an actual Christmas party, so they have some catering brought in for us one day instead. That generally translates into not a lot of work getting done, which is fine by me. I’m planning on baking sugar cookies tonight to bring in as my contribution to the “party.” Sugar cookies with a drizzling of royal icing and sprinkles on top. What do you think? And I’ll try to remember to take pictures of my baking bonanza this evening, during which the aforementioned playlist will again be put to very good use.
T-minus 10 days and counting!
* Eating 10 pounds of sugar in the form of smarties, jub-jubs, cookies, etc. makes for quite the sugar-crash headache the next morning.
* Living in the moment seems a lot more fulfilling than freaking out, spending so much time planning for the future. Kyrie seems to do it pretty well. I think I should read her blog more often.
* It might be nice to try knitting a hat, but that might require me teaching myself how to knit in the round. Do I have time for that before Christmas?
* It is miserable outside. I do not like going outside when it is miserable. I have to go outside today.
* My camera is broken! Well, my good camera is broken. All I have now is my point-and-shoot. Sniff. No hand-shake minimization. I wish I could replace it with this but there’s no way on earth I could afford it. Double sniff.
* There must be an inverse relation between how much fun you have spending an evening baking cookies with friends and how much suckage there is cleaning up the kitchen the next morning. Sigh.
* Have I mentioned my good camera is broken? Whimper. Maybe I can look into buying a used DSLR….
Well, I’ve definitely decided that telecommuting is worth giving another try. Though it is gonna take some getting used to, finding a new routine. I’ve been telecommuting for a few days now, but inevitably I’ve been spending the whole day in my PJs and feeling out of whack because of it.
Today I’m trying something different. Attempting to ignore the pressure to begin work immediately upon waking up and instead starting when I’m good and ready. (Read “showered.”) I think part of the reason why the transition has been so hard and why it didn’t work before was because I’ve been trying to keep my hours up. But for me, working from home can’t be about putting in 40-hour weeks all the time any more, or I might as well be working in the office.
Changing one’s mindset is hard. And it’s harder than it sounds, acting as though you already are the person you want to be. Maybe I’m half way to pretending. Somewhere near that mid-lifechange point. There’s still a lot of prep work to be done and routines to be hammered out and some definite cleaning of my apparently neglected apartment to wade through, but perhaps once those things are in place it will be easier to wake up believing that I already am who I want to be. I just need to give myself more time. Time to settle in, time to clean up and time to focus on making plans for actually starting my career. Time to enjoy Christmas would be a nice bonus, too. And keeping crazy hours at my current job is not gonna help me with that.
So really, what this is is time to let go. I don’t have to be the best at that job anymore because now, I’m learning to be the best at something else.
Okay, so, it’s no secret: I HATE MY JOB. I hate it up one side and down the other. I can’t even remember when I stopped liking it and started hating it. Was it one year ago? Two? More? And yet, I’ve been fighting with myself about it despite wanting to quit. I guess the big problem is that I don’t wanna let a certain love of my life down. I feel like if I quit or even just cut back on hours before having a new job perfectly lined up to pay all the bills he’d be disappointed or worse. Don’t get me wrong, I know money is “important.” But with my current crappy job we are JUST paying the bills. No savings. No buffer. No spending money, even. And the problem is, with this job sucking away all my time (and me working way too hard for almost nothing) it leaves no time to look for a new job, start a business, or develop my passions. All I do is work and eat and sleep, work and eat and sleep. No balance. No hope. No future. And I know most people think that should be okay and be enough. I mean, I should feel lucky and privileged just to have a job at all in this economy, right? Because it seems like the general consensus is that money is more important than everything, even saving yourself from sinking into depression because you’ve ended up living a completely unfulfilling life.
Well, I guess money isn’t my only reason for sticking around at this crummy job. I really do like the people I work with, although most of them are gone already or headed out the door, at least. That shouldn’t really be a reason though. I shouldn’t stay in a job I hate for other people. But any way I turn, there doesn’t seem to be a way out of this situation. No matter where I look it’s the same: I need money. I guess there may be one way to ease my troubles. If I telecommute to the office there would be fewer wasted hours in my day. More time for the things that really matter. And the more I make those things matter, the possibly less I will have to work that hellish job. My only problem is that I tried that once before and the stress and deadlines of the job had me working in my PJs all day, unable to even take the time to walk my dog when she sat crying by the door with a full bladder. I guess it was the pressure not to disappoint or perhaps my inability to say “NO, THIS IS TOO MUCH WORK.” Or, you know, just to have the self-worth to put myself first over any crummy job making demands on my time. I was always super-distracted too because EVERYTHING in my life is way more important (in my eyes) than this horrible job, so it always felt like such a waste of time, working, when I could have been doing more important things, money notwithstanding.
But I can’t keep hemming and hawing forever. I need to pull the trigger, make a choice, set a direction and follow it. I need to stop feeling bad or thinking “what if” or hoping that a change will find me all on it’s own. Yes, money is important, but is it important at the expense of my future? I always thought that everything would be so much easier once I finished university, but it just seems to have gotten that much more complicated. Building a career is a lifetime commitment and there are no mid-semester breaks. There is no half-assing it if you want to be successful. You have to believe it and just do it. Don’t let money make you scared or you will spend your entire life living in fear (like I have.) I can’t do that anymore. I can’t be okay with that being my life. I can’t spend all my time worrying about what other people will think.
The Year of Freedom is almost over, gone before it every really began. By this time next year I’ll be 30 and I’ll be married. So maybe it’s time to stop dreaming of who I’ll be when I grow up and start living my life being that person. I read a blog post the other day from a very talented artist. Her words were simple: Fake it till you make it. Pretend that you’re already the person that you want to be and one day you’ll wake up and you won’t be pretending anymore. That’s just who you’ll be.
I didn’t really sleep that well last night. I woke up around 3 AM and never really got back to sleep. Just too much on my mind, I guess. But it was good in a way, I had time to think. And so I’ve decided that though I may have been up for hours already by that point, when dawn finally broke this morning I stopped being Sarah: wussy-faced whiner and chronic daydreamer. Instead, I became Sarah: professional organizer and interior decorator. If 2009 was the Year of Freedom, 2010 will be the Year of Change. You can bet your bottom dollar on that. I know I will be.
I found myself feeling overwhelmingly philosophical this morning. More than usual, it would seem. Most of the time I keep my philosophical thoughts to myself. In our “modern” world, it has become something of a faux pas to start up a philosophical discussion. And with the frantic pace of 21st century lives, who really has time to waste on philosophy anyway? So really, I guess I don’t talk about this much, but I am actually an acutely seasonally-minded person. More than any organized religion ever has, the spiritual side of me is awakened by a reverence for nature as it continually renews itself through the turning of the seasons. I see creation in all things from stardust to my pinky toe and I have respect for them all, equally. Call it what you will, this is just how I feel in my heart.
And as you know, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my day-to-day life, what it’s been like for these past few years and how much of it has been lived on autopilot. And part of what bothers me so much is that I don’t live what I feel, partly because I worry about being judged as a weirdo, but more because of this autopilot fallback postioin my life often takes. I guess it’s just another offshoot of the general thoughts I’ve been having about mapping a direction for the rest of my life. Now that I am happily engaged, it seems as though philosophical and practical questions are colliding. I’m questioning what kind of future I want it to be: Where do we want to live and “settle down”? How soon after the wedding do we want to start having kids? How are we even gonna afford this wedding and what kind of lifestyle changes will we have to make to save that kind of money? How do I start living a more seasonally-minded life so that I don’t feel quite so spiritually hollow all the time and can start creating the home and family that our future children will eventually be welcomed into? And where does a career and the need to make money fit into all this? Because I am still struggling with knowing what to do in that aspect of my life, and generally trying to fight back the overwhelming fear that in this recession-ridden world, me and my Celtic Studies degree are completely unhireable.
As usual, I don’t seem to have any of the answers to my questions. Part of it is that I don’t really know where to begin and part of it is that no matter how hard I try, it is increasingly difficult or me to feel at home in our cramped upper floor apartment, living in someone else’s house in the dirty urban core of a major metropolitan city. No money + no car + no job with a future = staying put right here without even being able to change my surroundings even a little bit to spruce it up and make it feel more homey.
There I go, sounding all down and sorry for myself again. I’m not really, I swear. I guess I’m still just floundering, looking for square one of where to being. It’s just hard to feel connected to nature when all you see outside your window is concrete and brick. But take that first step I must, whatever it may be, because I refuse to stay living in this limbo. I need to start being mindful and fully present in my own life, not just coasting through it. I need to create the life and the future and the family I want, not just lie back and wait for it to find me.
Safe or happy? Safe? Or happy?
That was the question that was twirling around my mind on the way home from physio yesterday. Do I choose a play-it-safe life or do I choose one that’s happy and fulfilled? Is there a way to choose both?
And what keeps holding me back from being my authentic self? From leading the life I’ve always wanted to live? From doing what will make me happy rather than continuously falling back into bad old habits. That is one of my biggest fears right now, that after this whole month-long experience is over, I’ll simply go back to work and nothing will have changed.
How do I be that person and live that life that I always dreamed of? What makes it so significantly different from the life I’ve been leading? The answers to these questions are, I think, the next big list that I want to tackle. I like lists. They work for me and often help me pinpoint the swirling thoughts in my head. I just need to do some good, hard thinking about the whole thing.
Because I want to be the one leading my life, making the conscious choices and decisions. I do not want my life to be leading me. Ever.
 Dave and I joined a CSA this summer and we’re into week 3 of our veggie deliveries. It’s so fantastic to have all sorts of local, in season, fresh, organic goodness to eat every week. (Though we may be ODing on lettuce for the rest of the month.)
We’ve both been trying to get in shape and be more healthy since March. We’ve been going to a gym and changing our diet a lot, both in what we eat and how much of it. Not that we weren’t eating veggies before, we were. It’s just well, small changes can help in the biggest ways. So as part of that, we’ve been eating even more fruits and veggies than ever before. Heck, sometimes 75% of our meal will be veggies. And though it does take a bit of extra prep work, we’re actually enjoying finding different ways to eat them.
Anyway, back to the CSA. Basically, we get a quarter of a bushel of fresh, locally grown veggies every Tuesday for 20 of the 52 weeks of the year. It changes from week to week depending on what’s in season and ready to go. I’m personally loving it and I think Dave is too.
And if I’ve left you with a fever for veggies, you can find out more about our CSA here:
Twin Creeks Organic Farm
Okay, here it is. I’ve gotten to a point that I’ve been to before but rarely, if ever, moved beyond. The dishes are under control, the laundry done, the apartment clean, tidy and organized. I so rarely get to this point. (Have I mentioned that already?) It is my normal state to be behind, trying desperately to do all the things yelling at me all at once to get done. Where do I go from here?
 This feels like new territory and I don’t wanna mess it up. I think the next step is to tackle the kinds of things that I always put off. The things I get excited for when they are new but then they inevitably end up on a shelf because guilt stops me from indulging in such “wastes of time.” I rarely start projects and it’s even rarer that I finish them. I wonder if I’ll be able to introduce this next step successfully without guilting myself into ignoring or avoiding.
I know I sound vague, but my life has always been, “one day I’ll have the time/money/energy to do that.” Maybe that “one day” is now. Maybe I can figure out how to live a normal life…
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