So, I’m coming back to this space. (Or trying to at least.) The urge to blog has been nibbling on my brain for about a month now. But the old space felt stale, like it was missing something. I’ve been convincing myself not to start from scratch but instead to build on what I have here. I’ve been tweaking things here and there, trying to settle back in and feel comfortable. It still doesn’t look quite right to me. I think I’m going to try a few more things out.
 I haven’t reaaaally gotten around to posting yet, though. I’m trying to re-find my voice. MY voice. The voice that has been long submerged under my own fear of failure and need to please. Under my guilt at not being perfect, but having to try and try again. The phrase “try-hard” comes to mind, because I do too often find myself trying to be someone I’m not. Trying to project what I want others to see, which is usually just themselves reflected back. Most of the time, it’s easier than voicing an opinion and then standing up for it. Easier than trying to convince people that just because I look 12 doesn’t mean that I’m incompetent. If I hear one more person tell me that it’s a gift to look so youthful at my age I’m going to scream. All of this has rolled itself into one cohesive problem: Instead of doing what I love, I procrastinate. I make excuses. I hope no one will notice that I am slipping away slowly. Other times I start things but never end up following them through for the same reason. It can be somewhat crippling.
But my life has change a lot in the past couple months, more so than at any time that came before. I feel completely different. Life has given me a fresh start, and in a way I do want to start from scratch. I want different things, I look at the world differently. My needs and desires are different. Priorities shift. As one door closes, another opens. I know I am passionate about blogging, about interior decor, about streamlining life so that it is organized and allows the happiness of a home to flow. I’m passionate about my connection to the universe and about my husband and family. I love to share all of that with others. I am an emotional person, perhaps too easily affected by the emotions of others. But I find nothing more fulfilling than helping others on that one-on-one level, I like the tangible results.
And I like my life to be small. I know there are others out there like me, too. “Think Big! Go! Money! More! Easy! Cheap! Fast!” seems to me the siren call of this city. I prefer a different version of life, and I accept that now. I prefer quiet over loud. I am not good at asking “how high” when someone tells me to jump. I need to accept that. So I want to write about what is real to me, to share that with others, to put it into the universe. I haven’t always done that here.
I’ve been reading Meg Mateo Ilasco’s book Craft Inc. and this quote really struck me:
“It can be daunting and ambitious to set out to create new trends, but when you remove the pressure to produce something “great” and proceed at your own pace, you’ll see that it can be done. Allow yourself to be a beginner. Everyone has creative potential; it just takes time and practice to develop your personal style. Once your creative confidence kicks in, ideas will flow and you’ll shake your head wondering why you doubted yourself in the first place.”
When I read this, it made me think two things. One, I realized that, yes, it’s not a lack of time that’s holding me back from life, but a lack of courage to be true to myself and make the tough decisions. And two, that I’m not the only one who’s ever felt this way. It is comforting to know I am not alone.
Oh, you know. When I wasn’t successfully changing my career’s direction I was drowning in wedding plans. Just the usual. But I will be back…very soon. Promise.
My mom took to calling me “Sarah-Lee” some time ago. It was a gradual transition but the nickname eventually caught on. So much so that I eventually started calling her “Mommy-Lee” in response. I imagine that this whole thing had something to do with the cake.
My mother most certainly has not had the easiest life. Growing up in a third-world country, coming to Canada in her 20s, getting an education, marrying, working and raising a family. Life has often been hard for her.
Which is why it always amazes me how she can also be so lighthearted and freely giving with her love. I know my mother loves me because she tells me so. “See you later, alligator,” she says to me right before we hang up the phone. “After a while, crocodile,” I reply. She laughs. She is 62 now and I am 29. Both of us are forever young at heart.
I thank my mother for that.
Happy Birthday, Mommy-Lee. Love you.
Hello all! We’re still here and Daisy is doing a-okay. No more seizures and the eyedrops are doing their thing, so I think it’s safe to say that our lovely old lady is on the mend.
No need to worry, but if you need help turning that frown upside down? Head on over to the wedding blog to check out the newest post. It’s all about my gorgeous wedding shoes!
And just to make sure you do go check it out, I’m not gonna give anything away by posting a picture here. You’ll have to go over there to see for yourself.
But I can’t send you away empty-handed, can I? So here, a picture of my anniversary daisies to help brighten your day. (Which coincidentally may be a clue about my shoes! Shh!)
So yesterday we had a bit of a scare with Daisy. The vet thinks she may be having seizures, which somehow caused her to traumatize her right eye early, early Friday morning while we were still sleeping. The vet kept her all day and ran a battery of tests but couldn’t find the cause. All of her tests were coming back normal, nothing in her blood, no organ failure, despite the fact that her pupils were different sizes — a possible symptom of a neurological problem or even a stroke — and her right eye just wasn’t responding to light for most of the day. Finally, the vet tried some steroid antibiotic eyedrops. The steroids are supposed to help the eye heal and the antibiotics will help prevent any possible infection. We’re supposed to watch her over the next couple of days to ensure there’s no more seizure activity, or else she may have to see a neurologist.
But for now, the drops seem to be working. She has both eyes open and focusing and practically seems to be back to her old self. I’m still watching her like a hawk though, and I’m hoping for a full recovery by the 24th, her 13th birthday. She’ll be 68 dog-years old.
So the second of the two baby blankets is now under way. I’ve decided to go with a lovely green colour for the blanket since we don’t yet know the sex of this new bundle of joy. It’s a very similar basketweave pattern to the first one, though not exactly the same. I actually found this pattern in a book, Knitting For Baby, that Dave’s mom got me a few months ago. I think it’s fitting that I should use it to knit up a blanket for her first grandchild!
But, instead of using the cotton chenille yarn they suggest for the pattern, I’ve decided to go with a bamboo/wool blend. I’ve never knit with bamboo yarn before, but I’m already impressed with how even it is to work with. Plus, the wonderful woman at The Wool Mill told me that bamboo yarn is antibacterial. Did you know? Apparently it’s a property of the fibre itself, no extra treatment needed. Perfect for tiny babies. And I mean, come on, they even call the yarn “Snuggly Baby Bamboo” so really, how could I pass it up.
I can’t wait to see how this one turns out. But I won’t have to wait long. My future sister-in-law’s baby shower is just a month away! Better get knitting!
Details for this blanket are ravelled here.
Happy Groundhog Day, everyone! Did the groundhog see his shadow this morning or no? I actually haven’t checked yet. Either way, I feel like we’re heading into the final month(s) of winter here in Toronto. But still, there’s nary a snowdrift to be found. It’s been a cold winter here, but a dry one. It was a cold autumn too, almost as though we’ve been holding in this weather pattern since September. So if that groundhog really didn’t see his shadow then I am happy. Knowing that spring is right around the corner is what Groundhog Day is all about.
Because change is good, right? Right. So on that note, let me introduce you to a new monthly blog feature: My Inspiration of the Month.
February’s inspiration is this lovely card that I got from Dave on the occasion of our 4-year Date-aversary. It seems odd somehow, celebrating our “anniversary” in January when we’re already knee-deep in October wedding plans. I guess this was the last time we would celebrate January 19th as our official anniversary. And so what better piece of loveliness to inspire me for the month ahead.
So, what do you think? It’s a little bit romance, a little bit whimsy, a little bit luxe. It’s royal purple and cool silver and the deep red of Valentine’s Day. It’s quiet mornings and sweet treats. It’s a great big pop of colour in this still dreary month of winter.
Hope you like it! I’m sure it’ll inspire me all month long as we head into February. And if you’d like to see a close-up of the board to catch all the little bits and pieces, you can find it here.
So a few months ago I dropped a big bomb of joy on you guys, announcing that Dave and I had gotten engaged, but since then I haven’t really talked about any of our plans, have I? Rest assured, they are well under way. In fact, we’ve decided to document all the ins and outs of our wedding planning over on our Wedding Blog!
In fact, I posted over there today, all about how we came to pick our wedding venue. So while I may mention some wedding-y goodness over here from time to time, most of the big details will be found over there. Don’t worry, though. I’ll always let you know when I’ve posted something good. So go on over and check out the details of our amazingly gorgeous wedding venue!
As it usually goes when the weather gets cold, I yearn to knit. And I’ve actually been knitting up a storm recently. Baby blankets, to be exact. I’m planning on doing two of them, and am about, oh, 40% through the first.
I really love the checkerboard pattern I chose for this first blanket, though I’m not sure if the suggested yarn really is the best option for knitting it up. Perhaps next time I’ll use one that’s less nubbly. It may be soft and organic and lovely but its unique ply does distort the pattern a bit. Maybe for the second one I’ll use something with a more standard ply. And I’m thinking I should probably switch to metal needles as well, rather than the bamboo ones I’ve been using. Bamboo+cotton seems to cause too much friction to gain any knitting speed or momentum.
I’ll have to see what they have when I make another run to the yarn store today. I’m hoping to have both blankets ready to go by the beginning of March, since both new arrivals are expected in April and I do have a bit of a due date to stick to. (Some pun intended.)
Details for the first blanket are ravelled here.
Did you know? “Melissa” is Greek for “honeybee.”
You know that movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray, where he gets stuck in a repeating loop and every day is the same? That is a little like how I felt last week. Every day I’d get up, work, eat and print. And print, and print, and print. It took me a week to finish all these, but I successfully printed 50 baby shower invitations for my sister’s upcoming showers.
Floating in a sea of baby shower invitations.
I’m actually hosting two showers for her, one for family and one for all her friends. But it was definitely a lot of printing. I’ve done much smaller print runs on my Gocco before, but this was a lot. And after every step I needed to let the cards dry before moving on.
So what did I do? Well, for the front I used two older prints I had and combined them to create the image you see here. Then I custom printed two different insides, one for each shower. Then, as some extra cuteness, I printed a little message on the bottom of the back of each card in a tiny font (just like real greeting cards do). And to top it all off, I printed more grass onto the envelopes and hand addressed all 50. A week’s worth of work but so worth it when I saw the final product.
I hope all the guests like them, because I put a lot into these. And I can’t wait to start planning the rest of the details for the shower. I’m thinking sunflowers and pink roses. Because babies and parties, two very excellent things. But when combined? Pure magic.
Resolution #5: Keep up the good work.
I think it’s safe to say that last year’s gym/weight-loss resolution was, by far, my most successful. However, it was a huge financial burden for us. So, now that we have pretty much reached our goals (and since we can’t afford the gym anymore with the wedding coming up) it will be up to us to keep it up ourselves, in our own home, without the gym and without the trainer.
Does that mean no more chocolate cake?
This will be a true test for me since I have never been this fit before and I have always let my weight creep back up in the past. But not this time. This time, I resolve to keep it down and if anything, to help it to fall even further because I’ve got a wedding to look gorgeous for and I have already ordered the wedding dress! It’s gotta fit, so I gotta stay slim. Pretty serious motivation, I’d say.
Well, that brings us to the end of my 2010 Resolutions overview. Here’s to good luck on all our resolutions, whatever they may be.
It’s still time to stop falling asleep with my makeup on. Resolution Number 4 of 2010.
“wah-wah” says the sad trombone.
As you’ll recall, this was one of my resolutions last year that I utterly failed at. Blarg. I just couldn’t seem to stop with the go-go-go early enough in the evening to get ready for bed properly, rather than just collapsing in a giant heap in the bed when I was too tired to even think about standing over a sink for 5-10 minutes.
So this year, I’m gonna try again. I think that this resolution may actually tie into the previous one about staying on top of things, because theoretically, if I can keep everything under control then there will be fewer nights where I drive myself to the point of being just so tired, and more nights where my poor skin can go to bed happy, actually able to breathe a little.
…and instead, put my life on a successful and fulfilling career path. That is Resolution #2 for 2010.
I’ve mentioned many a time how hateful I find my current job. Over the past year I must have applied for 50 jobs. But despite my education and work experience, nobody is hiring in this economy, not even entry level positions with salaries that would leave me barely able to pay the rent. It’s depressing. I should know, because I let this apparent failure on my part depress me for a good chuck of last year. I felt like I had no options available to me, like I wasn’t even hireable for the crappiest crappy job that was really no better than the crappy dead-end job I currently have. Worst was that few of the jobs I was being rejected for were even things that I really wanted to do.
So I started thinking real hard and doing some soul searching. After a while the answer became so clear that I wondered how I couldn’t have known what I wanted to do with my career the whole time. I’m going to be a Professional Organizer and Interior Decorator.
I’ve always been madly obsessed with organizing and making things more useful and functional. I’ve also always had an eye for aesthetics and seem to know when things go together and when they don’t. Looking at catalogues or magazines, I put together possibilities in my mind’s eye. In every room I enter, I look at what works and what doesn’t and how it could be made better. It’s what comes naturally, and what I should be doing as a career.
So that’s my second resolution for 2010: to stop being afraid, to take the plunge into doing what I love and to work at it every day until I have successfully established myself in the field. It’s gonna take a lot of hard work, maybe some night school, and a lot of believing in myself even when I have nothing to show for it. But if I’m ever gonna have a career it has to be started now. I just gotta remember to take baby steps until I get there.
…let the Year of Change begin!
How did 2009 go by so fast? Wasn’t it just summer? Didn’t we just move into our new apartment? The Year of Freedom turned out to be nothing like I expected it to be. Yet, it was definitely a year of growth. Looking back, I know I am not the same person I was a year ago. And I can honestly say that the differences are all for the better.
I have already dubbed 2010 The Year of Change, and so it shall be. There are two babies scheduled to arrive in our families come April. I’m going to become an Aunt (for the first time) twice in the span of one month. Exciting! Plus, of course, I’m getting married. By this time next year I’ll be a wedded woman, with a completely different last name. That thought is still taking some getting used to. If it felt like 2009 went by quickly, I just know that 2010 is going to go by even faster.
But I can’t just let it fly past. I need to have a direction and a plan for this year so I can tackle all the wonderful changes as they come. Which leads me to New Year’s resolutions. Everybody has an idealized conception of the person they could be if only: If only they weighed less, ate better. If only they were more spontaneous, or more organized, or more motivated, or more something. But is holding onto this ideal so wrong? I don’t think so. (Unless the goals are ridiculously unattainable and/or unhealthy, that is.) I always make New Year’s resolutions, and this year I’m spurred on by last year’s resolution successes.
I think it’s healthy to see yourself as a work in progress. To know that every morning, or once a year, we have a chance to make a fresh start. It’s a chance to get one step closer to that ideal person we wish we could be, knowing that having an ideal is not necessarily the same thing as having an end goal. Ideals change and grow just as we do as people. So though they can never be completely reached, they are always good to have.
So yeah, I think I’ll do the same thing for this year’s resolutions as I did for last year’s resolutions review — one a day for five days. Sound cool? Okay, then check back here tomorrow for the first of my 2010 resolutions!!
My mind moves much faster than my life does and I’ve been noticing lately how much of an issue this is for me. How incapable I seem to be at just thinking about right now instead of 20 minutes, 20 hours, 20 days or 20 years from now. I focus too much on what’s to come, on what’s next, instead of what I have to embrace and enjoy right now. The more I think of it, the more I realize what kind of debilitating long-term problem this has been. I am a collector of possibilities that I never seem to get around to fulfilling. And waiting for later takes all the joy and excitement out of something that was once shiny and new. It becomes old news before it has even begun.
I’m sure a lot of this has to do with how much I hated (and how trapped I felt by) being in school. Living in the moment was always the last place I wanted to be. I don’t think I was always like this though. As a child I lived in the moment, I’m sure. But once my horrible school experiences started taking over, I think that’s when my collector behaviour began.
This problem has been niggling the back of my mind for a while and it’s not something that I’m just going to get over tomorrow. But I think that if I keep it as a goal in my mind, to not just live in the moment but to appreciate it and find joy in it as well, then things will slowly start to change. It is the Year of Change, after all.
I need to allow myself to have some time to just be, because for too long I’ve been putting off for tomorrow what I could’ve and should’ve been doing today. Reminds you of the name of this blog, doesn’t it. Coincidence? I think not.
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© 2009-2010 Sarah Jenkinson
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