Tomorrow or Today » Goals

Starting from Scratch

Sarah — Fri, 26 Nov 2010 13:00:20 +0000

So, I’m coming back to this space. (Or trying to at least.) The urge to blog has been nibbling on my brain for about a month now. But the old space felt stale, like it was missing something. I’ve been convincing myself not to start from scratch but instead to build on what I have here. I’ve been tweaking things here and there, trying to settle back in and feel comfortable. It still doesn’t look quite right to me. I think I’m going to try a few more things out.
I haven’t reaaaally gotten around to posting yet, though. I’m trying to re-find my voice. MY voice. The voice that has been long submerged under my own fear of failure and need to please. Under my guilt at not being perfect, but having to try and try again. The phrase “try-hard” comes to mind, because I do too often find myself trying to be someone I’m not. Trying to project what I want others to see, which is usually just themselves reflected back. Most of the time, it’s easier than voicing an opinion and then standing up for it. Easier than trying to convince people that just because I look 12 doesn’t mean that I’m incompetent. If I hear one more person tell me that it’s a gift to look so youthful at my age I’m going to scream. All of this has rolled itself into one cohesive problem: Instead of doing what I love, I procrastinate. I make excuses. I hope no one will notice that I am slipping away slowly. Other times I start things but never end up following them through for the same reason. It can be somewhat crippling.

But my life has change a lot in the past couple months, more so than at any time that came before. I feel completely different. Life has given me a fresh start, and in a way I do want to start from scratch. I want different things, I look at the world differently. My needs and desires are different. Priorities shift. As one door closes, another opens. I know I am passionate about blogging, about interior decor, about streamlining life so that it is organized and allows the happiness of a home to flow. I’m passionate about my connection to the universe and about my husband and family. I love to share all of that with others. I am an emotional person, perhaps too easily affected by the emotions of others. But I find nothing more fulfilling than helping others on that one-on-one level, I like the tangible results.

And I like my life to be small. I know there are others out there like me, too. “Think Big! Go! Money! More! Easy! Cheap! Fast!” seems to me the siren call of this city. I prefer a different version of life, and I accept that now. I prefer quiet over loud. I am not good at asking “how high” when someone tells me to jump. I need to accept that. So I want to write about what is real to me, to share that with others, to put it into the universe. I haven’t always done that here.

I’ve been reading Meg Mateo Ilasco’s book Craft Inc. and this quote really struck me:

“It can be daunting and ambitious to set out to create new trends, but when you remove the pressure to produce something “great” and proceed at your own pace, you’ll see that it can be done. Allow yourself to be a beginner. Everyone has creative potential; it just takes time and practice to develop your personal style. Once your creative confidence kicks in, ideas will flow and you’ll shake your head wondering why you doubted yourself in the first place.”

When I read this, it made me think two things. One, I realized that, yes, it’s not a lack of time that’s holding me back from life, but a lack of courage to be true to myself and make the tough decisions. And two, that I’m not the only one who’s ever felt this way. It is comforting to know I am not alone.

Time to be My Own Trainer

Sarah — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 17:00:42 +0000

Resolution #5: Keep up the good work.

I think it’s safe to say that last year’s gym/weight-loss resolution was, by far, my most successful. However, it was a huge financial burden for us. So, now that we have pretty much reached our goals (and since we can’t afford the gym anymore with the wedding coming up) it will be up to us to keep it up ourselves, in our own home, without the gym and without the trainer.

Does that mean no more chocolate cake?

This will be a true test for me since I have never been this fit before and I have always let my weight creep back up in the past. But not this time. This time, I resolve to keep it down and if anything, to help it to fall even further because I’ve got a wedding to look gorgeous for and I have already ordered the wedding dress! It’s gotta fit, so I gotta stay slim. Pretty serious motivation, I’d say.

Well, that brings us to the end of my 2010 Resolutions overview. Here’s to good luck on all our resolutions, whatever they may be.

Repeat Offender

Sarah — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 15:00:31 +0000

It’s still time to stop falling asleep with my makeup on. Resolution Number 4 of 2010.

“wah-wah” says the sad trombone.

As you’ll recall, this was one of my resolutions last year that I utterly failed at. Blarg. I just couldn’t seem to stop with the go-go-go early enough in the evening to get ready for bed properly, rather than just collapsing in a giant heap in the bed when I was too tired to even think about standing over a sink for 5-10 minutes.

So this year, I’m gonna try again. I think that this resolution may actually tie into the previous one about staying on top of things, because theoretically, if I can keep everything under control then there will be fewer nights where I drive myself to the point of being just so tired, and more nights where my poor skin can go to bed happy, actually able to breathe a little.

Time to Stop Whining…

Sarah — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 15:00:51 +0000

…and instead, put my life on a successful and fulfilling career path. That is Resolution #2 for 2010.

I’ve mentioned many a time how hateful I find my current job. Over the past year I must have applied for 50 jobs. But despite my education and work experience, nobody is hiring in this economy, not even entry level positions with salaries that would leave me barely able to pay the rent. It’s depressing. I should know, because I let this apparent failure on my part depress me for a good chuck of last year. I felt like I had no options available to me, like I wasn’t even hireable for the crappiest crappy job that was really no better than the crappy dead-end job I currently have. Worst was that few of the jobs I was being rejected for were even things that I really wanted to do.

So I started thinking real hard and doing some soul searching. After a while the answer became so clear that I wondered how I couldn’t have known what I wanted to do with my career the whole time. I’m going to be a Professional Organizer and Interior Decorator.

I’ve always been madly obsessed with organizing and making things more useful and functional. I’ve also always had an eye for aesthetics and seem to know when things go together and when they don’t. Looking at catalogues or magazines, I put together possibilities in my mind’s eye. In every room I enter, I look at what works and what doesn’t and how it could be made better. It’s what comes naturally, and what I should be doing as a career.

So that’s my second resolution for 2010: to stop being afraid, to take the plunge into doing what I love and to work at it every day until I have successfully established myself in the field. It’s gonna take a lot of hard work, maybe some night school, and a lot of believing in myself even when I have nothing to show for it. But if I’m ever gonna have a career it has to be started now. I just gotta remember to take baby steps until I get there.

The Year of Freedom is Over…

Sarah — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 17:00:09 +0000

…let the Year of Change begin!

How did 2009 go by so fast? Wasn’t it just summer? Didn’t we just move into our new apartment? The Year of Freedom turned out to be nothing like I expected it to be. Yet, it was definitely a year of growth. Looking back, I know I am not the same person I was a year ago. And I can honestly say that the differences are all for the better.

I have already dubbed 2010 The Year of Change, and so it shall be. There are two babies scheduled to arrive in our families come April. I’m going to become an Aunt (for the first time) twice in the span of one month. Exciting! Plus, of course, I’m getting married. By this time next year I’ll be a wedded woman, with a completely different last name. That thought is still taking some getting used to. If it felt like 2009 went by quickly, I just know that 2010 is going to go by even faster.

But I can’t just let it fly past. I need to have a direction and a plan for this year so I can tackle all the wonderful changes as they come. Which leads me to New Year’s resolutions. Everybody has an idealized conception of the person they could be if only: If only they weighed less, ate better. If only they were more spontaneous, or more organized, or more motivated, or more something. But is holding onto this ideal so wrong? I don’t think so. (Unless the goals are ridiculously unattainable and/or unhealthy, that is.) I always make New Year’s resolutions, and this year I’m spurred on by last year’s resolution successes.

I think it’s healthy to see yourself as a work in progress. To know that every morning, or once a year, we have a chance to make a fresh start. It’s a chance to get one step closer to that ideal person we wish we could be, knowing that having an ideal is not necessarily the same thing as having an end goal. Ideals change and grow just as we do as people. So though they can never be completely reached, they are always good to have.

So yeah, I think I’ll do the same thing for this year’s resolutions as I did for last year’s resolutions review — one a day for five days. Sound cool? Okay, then check back here tomorrow for the first of my 2010 resolutions!!

2009 Resolutions Check-Up : Part 5

Sarah — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 17:00:08 +0000

This is it, the end of the line. The last look back at 2009 before looking forward to the new year ahead.

My last resolution of 2009 was to get a “financial” life. And how did I do? Well, not so good. But not for lack of trying!! I reconsolidated my student loans (but they’re still there, looming). My employer put a pay freeze in place for 2009 (which meant no raise for me). And the gym/trainer turned out to be a huge financial investment (though WELL worth it). So, as you can probably guess, there really wasn’t any extra money floating around last year.

Still, I didn’t give up and I not only reduced my credit-card debt, but I cancelled my crazy high-rate card and switched to one with a much lower interest rate. Less interest means debt gets paid off faster! So I guess I will have to call this one another tie. I may not have gotten all the way to my goal, but I was able to make some progress.

Final Tally: Sarah – 3, Bad Habits – 2.

Well, it looks like in the grand scheme of things I was able to kick more of my bad habits than not last year, and to make some good progress on a couple more. Yay! I think I would call 2009 a successful year, resolutionarily speaking. (Is that a word? Probably not. Whatevs.)

And I’m looking forward to 2010. I’ve already decided on my resolutions for this year, but that’s a post for another day.

2009 Resolutions Check-Up : Part 4

Sarah — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 13:00:28 +0000

This brings us to my penultimate resolution of 2009: To join a gym and get in shape. So, how did I do?

I am more than proud to say that despite how may times I had made and failed at this resolution in the past, in 2009 I finally succeeded. For those who know what this gobbledy-gook means, I reduced my total body fat by almost 10% and my overall weight went down by 15lbs. So if you remember that muscle weighs more than fat, you can understand what a drastic change this has been for me.

I’m a tiny person (5′ 1″) and to drop two whole dress sizes in less than a year has been huge. And to be able to look this way on my wedding day is going to be just the best feeling in the world.

Sarah – 2.5, Bad Habits – 1.5. Score one for me!

Tomorrow we come to the end. My last resolution of 2009: Get a financial life.

2009 Resolutions Check-Up : Part 3

Sarah — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 15:00:34 +0000

My third resolution of 2009 was to take more pictures.

I think I started out strong with this resolution, but midway through the year my vigour wained. There’s probably a direct correlation between my lack of photos and my amount of stress at work, leading up to the Month of Freedom. After that, the rest of 2009 moved by in a speedy blur and just as I started wanting to take more pictures again, I realized that my good camera had broken (most likely during the move) and all I was left with was a crappy point-and-shoot that couldn’t take a sharp photo to save my life.

It was excruciating, and I tried to make it work, but it didn’t really. So I finally gave in and got my first DSLR at a Boxing Day sale. Hopefully, this means I’m gonna be taking copious amounts of photos in 2010. Just oodles and oodles.

But for the purpose of tallying my 2009 resolutions, I’d have to say this one’s a tie. Sarah – 1.5, Bad Habits – 1.5. Hmm…we’re neck and neck it seems.

Coming down to it now. Tomorrow, Resolution #4: Join a gym and get in shape.

2009 Resolutions Check-up : Part 2

Sarah — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 15:00:17 +0000

Okey-doke. Moving right along. How did I do on my second resolution of last year, namely:

2. Stop falling asleep with my makeup on.

Wah-wah. That’s the sound of the sad trombone. Here, I am sorry to say, I was a total failure. Total. So total, in fact, that I’m putting that sucker right back on my resolutions list for 2010. With the wedding coming up, I really need to get my skin in better shape and this is definitely Step 1.

Sarah – 1, Bad Habits – 1. Blarg.

Next, Resolution #3: Take more pictures.

2009 Resolutions Check-Up : Part 1

Sarah — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 13:00:49 +0000

So, two weeks into the new year and the question still remains: How well did I do with 2009′s resolutions? Let’s break it down, one a day for the next 5 days. Before I delve in though, how about a recap?

Sarah’s 2009 New Year’s Resolutions

1. Clear my inboxes down to zero and then keep them clear.
2. Stop falling asleep with my makeup on.
3. Take more pictures.
4. Join a gym and get in shape.
5. Get a financial life.

So, after a year of working at it, how well (or poorly) did I do in these 5 areas? First up, my inbox.

Well, I’m proud to say that my struggles with overflowing email inboxes are over and my work at this resolution has been a total success. After years and years of feeling overwhelmed by hundreds and hundreds of emails just sitting there yelling at me, I finally took the bull by the horns. I developed a better labelling and filing system for my email, did a lot of kamikaze deleting of old stuff and unsubscribed from A LOT of useless newsletters. After that, it was all about slowly but surely reading through more emails every day than I received, till I had finally whittled it all down to zero.

And this doesn’t mean that I’ve become a compulsive email checker, either. I don’t answer every email as soon as it hits my inbox, or anything crazy like that. Instead, it’s more of a once or twice a day thing, generally morning and evening. And if I notice things starting to pile up, I nip it in the bud before it can balloon into an even bigger problem simply by blocking out some time and dealing with it.

So I guess that makes the score so far Sarah – 1, Bad Habits – 0. Not a shabby start.

Tomorrow, Resolution #2: Falling asleep with my makeup on.

In Between-ish

Sarah — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 01:13:53 +0000

Well, I’ve definitely decided that telecommuting is worth giving another try. Though it is gonna take some getting used to, finding a new routine. I’ve been telecommuting for a few days now, but inevitably I’ve been spending the whole day in my PJs and feeling out of whack because of it.

Today I’m trying something different. Attempting to ignore the pressure to begin work immediately upon waking up and instead starting when I’m good and ready. (Read “showered.”) I think part of the reason why the transition has been so hard and why it didn’t work before was because I’ve been trying to keep my hours up. But for me, working from home can’t be about putting in 40-hour weeks all the time any more, or I might as well be working in the office.

Changing one’s mindset is hard. And it’s harder than it sounds, acting as though you already are the person you want to be. Maybe I’m half way to pretending. Somewhere near that mid-lifechange point. There’s still a lot of prep work to be done and routines to be hammered out and some definite cleaning of my apparently neglected apartment to wade through, but perhaps once those things are in place it will be easier to wake up believing that I already am who I want to be. I just need to give myself more time. Time to settle in, time to clean up and time to focus on making plans for actually starting my career. Time to enjoy Christmas would be a nice bonus, too. And keeping crazy hours at my current job is not gonna help me with that.

So really, what this is is time to let go. I don’t have to be the best at that job anymore because now, I’m learning to be the best at something else.

This time… Yes.

Sarah — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 16:00:57 +0000

Okay, so, it’s no secret: I HATE MY JOB. I hate it up one side and down the other. I can’t even remember when I stopped liking it and started hating it. Was it one year ago? Two? More? And yet, I’ve been fighting with myself about it despite wanting to quit. I guess the big problem is that I don’t wanna let a certain love of my life down. I feel like if I quit or even just cut back on hours before having a new job perfectly lined up to pay all the bills he’d be disappointed or worse. Don’t get me wrong, I know money is “important.” But with my current crappy job we are JUST paying the bills. No savings. No buffer. No spending money, even. And the problem is, with this job sucking away all my time (and me working way too hard for almost nothing) it leaves no time to look for a new job, start a business, or develop my passions. All I do is work and eat and sleep, work and eat and sleep. No balance. No hope. No future. And I know most people think that should be okay and be enough. I mean, I should feel lucky and privileged just to have a job at all in this economy, right? Because it seems like the general consensus is that money is more important than everything, even saving yourself from sinking into depression because you’ve ended up living a completely unfulfilling life.

Well, I guess money isn’t my only reason for sticking around at this crummy job. I really do like the people I work with, although most of them are gone already or headed out the door, at least. That shouldn’t really be a reason though. I shouldn’t stay in a job I hate for other people. But any way I turn, there doesn’t seem to be a way out of this situation. No matter where I look it’s the same: I need money. I guess there may be one way to ease my troubles. If I telecommute to the office there would be fewer wasted hours in my day. More time for the things that really matter. And the more I make those things matter, the possibly less I will have to work that hellish job. My only problem is that I tried that once before and the stress and deadlines of the job had me working in my PJs all day, unable to even take the time to walk my dog when she sat crying by the door with a full bladder. I guess it was the pressure not to disappoint or perhaps my inability to say “NO, THIS IS TOO MUCH WORK.” Or, you know, just to have the self-worth to put myself first over any crummy job making demands on my time. I was always super-distracted too because EVERYTHING in my life is way more important (in my eyes) than this horrible job, so it always felt like such a waste of time, working, when I could have been doing more important things, money notwithstanding.

But I can’t keep hemming and hawing forever. I need to pull the trigger, make a choice, set a direction and follow it. I need to stop feeling bad or thinking “what if” or hoping that a change will find me all on it’s own. Yes, money is important, but is it important at the expense of my future? I always thought that everything would be so much easier once I finished university, but it just seems to have gotten that much more complicated. Building a career is a lifetime commitment and there are no mid-semester breaks. There is no half-assing it if you want to be successful. You have to believe it and just do it. Don’t let money make you scared or you will spend your entire life living in fear (like I have.) I can’t do that anymore. I can’t be okay with that being my life. I can’t spend all my time worrying about what other people will think.

The Year of Freedom is almost over, gone before it every really began. By this time next year I’ll be 30 and I’ll be married. So maybe it’s time to stop dreaming of who I’ll be when I grow up and start living my life being that person. I read a blog post the other day from a very talented artist. Her words were simple: Fake it till you make it. Pretend that you’re already the person that you want to be and one day you’ll wake up and you won’t be pretending anymore. That’s just who you’ll be.

I didn’t really sleep that well last night. I woke up around 3 AM and never really got back to sleep. Just too much on my mind, I guess. But it was good in a way, I had time to think. And so I’ve decided that though I may have been up for hours already by that point, when dawn finally broke this morning I stopped being Sarah: wussy-faced whiner and chronic daydreamer. Instead, I became Sarah: professional organizer and interior decorator. If 2009 was the Year of Freedom, 2010 will be the Year of Change. You can bet your bottom dollar on that. I know I will be.

Making the Big Choices

Sarah — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 23:00:37 +0000

Safe or happy? Safe? Or happy?

That was the question that was twirling around my mind on the way home from physio yesterday. Do I choose a play-it-safe life or do I choose one that’s happy and fulfilled? Is there a way to choose both?

And what keeps holding me back from being my authentic self? From leading the life I’ve always wanted to live? From doing what will make me happy rather than continuously falling back into bad old habits. That is one of my biggest fears right now, that after this whole month-long experience is over, I’ll simply go back to work and nothing will have changed.

How do I be that person and live that life that I always dreamed of? What makes it so significantly different from the life I’ve been leading? The answers to these questions are, I think, the next big list that I want to tackle. I like lists. They work for me and often help me pinpoint the swirling thoughts in my head. I just need to do some good, hard thinking about the whole thing.

Because I want to be the one leading my life, making the conscious choices and decisions. I do not want my life to be leading me. Ever.

New Territory

Sarah — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 12:00:10 +0000

Okay, here it is. I’ve gotten to a point that I’ve been to before but rarely, if ever, moved beyond. The dishes are under control, the laundry done, the apartment clean, tidy and organized. I so rarely get to this point. (Have I mentioned that already?) It is my normal state to be behind, trying desperately to do all the things yelling at me all at once to get done. Where do I go from here?

This feels like new territory and I don’t wanna mess it up. I think the next step is to tackle the kinds of things that I always put off. The things I get excited for when they are new but then they inevitably end up on a shelf because guilt stops me from indulging in such “wastes of time.” I rarely start projects and it’s even rarer that I finish them. I wonder if I’ll be able to introduce this next step successfully without guilting myself into ignoring or avoiding.

I know I sound vague, but my life has always been, “one day I’ll have the time/money/energy to do that.” Maybe that “one day” is now. Maybe I can figure out how to live a normal life…

After One Week

Sarah — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 20:31:11 +0000

So, at the end of my first week of freedom, where do I stand? I’m all but phlegm-free for one. But has any progress been made? What have I learned about myself and what I want? Well…

I like this slower pace.

I like not having headaches all the time.

I like quiet mornings and quiet evenings and busy in-betweens.

I don’t like downtown Toronto, would rather live in the country but will settle for someplace far enough away from the core as soon as I can afford a car. Because while a car is crazy expensive, my time is worth too much to commute from the fringes by transit.

I really dislike not having a private yard, so I’m still toying with the idea of moving. We’ll stay here until October and see where we stand at that point. Maybe I’ll wait till spring if the new jobs are within commuting distance from here.

Because I do need a different job. I don’t think that, in general, I will mind working hard enough and long enough at a job to get the things I want, but I hate my current job with its harsh deadlines, zero respect and the inability to ever get a raise or promotion. I think a lot of my unhappiness has been coming from feeling trapped in that job and the stagnating version of my life that is the direct result. I just have to keep applying. It doesn’t matter if I’ve applied for a million jobs and heard from none, all that matters is that I keep trying and keep applying. I mean, someone’s gonna have to hire me eventually. I just need to keep trying and not let myself get discouraged when I don’t hear anything.

Because I can’t control everything in the universe. Shocking, I know. But I actually have very little say about what inevitably happens, so I need to start trying to let go of my stranglehold on events and trust instead that things will work out.

And part two of that is to stop holding on to so much stuff, all in the chance that I might need it one day. Holding onto things just in case or for sentimental value never leaves room in your life for wonderful new things to come in! So I’m thinking of doing some reorganizing and purging while I have the time. It may be slow goings though, since I’m trying to really think about the purpose and the function of everything.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for this week. It seems like a lot of good stuff to have figured out already, considering I’ve been so sick. Here’s hoping that the rest of my time off is equally productive.

The Rhythm

Sarah — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 22:00:44 +0000

So I thought about it, and here’s what I came up with as a template for my days:

On most mornings, when I’m not fighting off illness, I tend to wake up naturally around 7:00. I’ll do the tea/coffee and email/blog thing for a half hour or so. Just enough to keep the email landslide at bay. While I like and enjoy technology, I’m trying to make sure I’m not a slave to it. I was starting to feel that way for a while there, but I think that recently, I’ve found some balance on that front and no longer need to read every twitter or respond to every blog post. There just would never be enough hours in the day.

After that is the usual shower/breakfast/get dressed trio, and Daisy often needs a mid-morning walk as soon as I’m presentable. Perhaps I’ll take the camera along on some of these and see where we go.

An early afternoon snack, say around 1ish, with a magazine and a cup of tea may be a nice way to break up my day. I’m thinking it also may be enough of a break to shake me out of any possible morning brain-stuck I feel setting in. Because the plan is to not waste away entire days uselessly.

Tuesday afternoons are the Farmer’s Market/CSA pickup, and taking some time to peruse fresh veggies is always a real treat. And the bonus of being off this month is that I can get there early and swoop up the good stuff before it’s gone. You know, instead of being the one at 5:45 in the afternoon, moaning, “Darn! The peas and spinach are all gone again?!”

And I hate late dinners (one of the blights of my current existence) so if I start cooking promptly at 4 p.m. every afternoon, I’ll never have to worry about feeling bloated at 10 p.m. and may even have enough space for the occasional dessert!

And finally, since I generally tend to run myself into the ground every evening before plunking down into bed too tired to even wash the makeup off my face, 8 p.m. will now be my Gettin’ Ready for Bed Time. I’ll still probably end up doing all sorts of things in the evenings before falling into bed exhausted, but at least I’ll be doing them fresh-faced and already safely in the PJs.

Now you’ll probably notice that there are a lot of things that I didn’t book into this schedule, and that was on purpose. There are things I wanna do when I’m ready, when the mood strikes. Not when my schedule says I must do it. Stuff like writing, trips to the gym and the library, more walks with Daisy, visiting with friends, chores, chats with my mom, etc. I want each individual day to have its own feeling. To be memorable in some different way, instead of each being exactly the same, stamped out by a cookie cutter. I get enough of that during my workdays. This time isn’t about that, it’s about discovering me.

The Long Slog

Sarah — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 17:16:22 +0000

So yesterday was something, that’s for sure. After that last post, I started looking up all sorts of stuff about the countryside. Then my mind turned towards farming and how cool it would be to have an organic micro-ecofarm. I even asked Dave what he though about it. But like the level-headed half of this partnership that he is, he stayed typically reserved and noncommittal.

Well, I went back to my research, looking all sorts of things up. But the more I researched, the less sure I became. What if this was me grasping at anything again? How could one buy and start a farm with a negative amount of money in the bank, anyway? And that inevitably led to another meltdown. I ended up crying, feeling trapped by my lack of choices in life, worrying about the future, and upset with myself that I’d tried to grasp onto another harebrained scheme again when I promised myself I’d stop doing that.

Seeing my distress once again, Dave sat me down. He said, “Look, I think you’re trying to jump from Step 1 to Step 3 without going through Step 2. Getting to where we wanna be in life is gonna take a lot of hard work and sacrifice, more than we’ve had to do in the past. But you need to be prepared. It’s like that old equation says, any project can only be two of these three things: done with high quality, done on time or done on budget. If you want something of high quality done on time, it’s gonna cost you. If you want something done fast and cheap, you forgo quality, and if you opt for high quality done on the cheap (which is probably a good analogy for what we want from life) it’s gonna take a long time to get there.” Longer than, oh, the five minutes I generally have been giving myself. What can I say, patience has never been one of my virtues.

We continued talking, Dave trying to make me feel better, and me trying to be okay with our current lot in life. I eventually came around to the realization that I end up so easily grasping onto all these random career paths because none of my life goals actually have anything to do with a career. My dreams for a self-sufficient life of gardening, baking and child-rearing has zero to do with working for the man or climbing the corporate ladder. “So,” Dave said, “maybe what you need is some crap job to help you get from here to there. Maybe that’s what we both need.” But we already have crap jobs that pay more than a lot of crap jobs and we barely scrape enough money together every month. “Ah, yes,” he said, “but we currently have dead-end crap jobs. What we need are crap jobs with some growth potential.” So that’s the point we’re at now, thinking about looking for crap jobs with growth potential so that we can scrimp our way from here to a home we can fix up, with a huge yard and/or a little bit of land. So that one day I can feel like something of a suburban homesteader: growing things, making things, raising children and being happy. That’s the real goal. And the real detriment to our current jobs, since it is unlikely that we well ever get another raise or promotion there. We instead just remain in a holding pattern, able to pay most of the monthly bills but forever hounded by the thousands of dollars of impenetrable school debt I have. (Hard to believe, huh, that we both have respected university degrees and we’ve come to the conclusion that all we can hope for in life is getting a crap job?)

Maybe we’ll have to move to a basement in Scarborough, cancel the phones and the cable TV. There are some debts that can’t be reduced, that we’ll just have to keep paying till they’re gone, like our gym debt. It was a good idea, and I’m happy we did it, but getting a trainer at the gym was, in all honesty, way beyond what we could afford and I shouldn’t have made us do it. We all live with the consequences of our actions, I guess.

So I have a month to figure out how to live the next five years on the cheap. Somewhere in there getting rid of my $40,000 school debt, saving a down payment for a home and perhaps even starting a family. Cloth diapers are still nouveau-chic, right?

Escape to the Country

Sarah — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 19:00:40 +0000

Whenever I read British magazines like, say, Country Living, I often get overwhelmed with a sense of nostalgia and longing. There is something so different and almost idealized about the British countryside. It seems fuller, richer, more respected, and filled with greater opportunity.

Trying to compare the countryside life I see in British books, movies, magazines and TV to the Ontario countryside is like night and day. (Though, admittedly, I have no experience with one and very little experience with the other.) The Ontario countryside that I’ve experienced is, frankly, little more than urban sprawl. Outside of Toronto is the GTA, which seems to be another name for vast subdivisions of hastily erected houses on too-cramped lots, close by newly erected Smart Centres. (You know, those giant parking lots ringed with various big-box stores.) There doesn’t seem to be any town life or career opportunity close to home out there. It just seems to be nothing but a holding pen for middle-class families whose parents commute the hours a day into the city for their office jobs. Ugh. And beyond that are aging towns whose young people have moved on to greener, concrete-laden pastures. My view may be admittedly biased but it is the view from here: living outside of Toronto is career suicide.

All may know my great dislike for city living. The longer I live here, the less I find things appealing. Especially in this internet age when one can have almost anything shipped straight to their door by Canada Post. In fact, if I could figure out a way to make a living in the country doing something with my hands and my mind that didn’t require a two-hour daily commute back into the city, I think I would do it. The what has never seemed quite as important as the where. Probably because there are a lot of things I could do that would make me perfectly content and have nothing to do with a computer or a six-lane highway. However, one cannot live in the country unless one owns a car. (Or wishes to be completely cut off permanently from the outside world.) Also, I doubt Dave would appreciate the country life as much as I would, nor would he appreciate leaving all our friends behind in the city.

But the more I think about it, the more I wish it were possible. I mean, I know very little about Western or Eastern Ontario. My only experience, as I said, is with the GTA, north to Muskoka and east to Peterborough. An admittedly small sample to be making such broad deductions with. Perhaps I can do a little research. Because I think that the longer I stay in the city, the unhappier I feel. And since I can’t really move to the British countryside anytime soon, this may be a good start.

Yesterday and Today

Sarah — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 23:21:53 +0000

So yesterday was my last day at work. Stretching before me now is a whole month to figure stuff out. Yesterday was also my friends Ram and Mezan’s respective birthdays. It was a lot of fun to go out for dinner and before we left, Ram was awesome enough to let me borrow his Canon DSLR for a couple weeks. I’ve been drooling over the Canon Rebel series from afar for a while now, and it will be nice to actually get to try one out. Especially now that I have this time off and I want to blog my way through it, having a camera that takes great pictures will be super helpful, I think.

I’m a very visual person, and being able to see the world around me through a camera lens, while I decide which path to take, will be a different and challenging experience. I’m usually too wrapped up in myself to remember to take pictures of anything. Yet, whenever I do, I’m always so happy with them. They end up meaning a lot to me, like my grad photos that I just edited and uploaded this morning. I was happy to have those pictures and with them, the ability to remember that moment clearly. Since I am trying to slow down, be more deliberate and think about things more, the camera should help. I just have to remember not to get so caught up in it that I’m not actually experiencing the moment. The perfect capture every time is not necessary.

But on the side of the slightly ironic, what do you suppose happened today, on this, my first day off? Why, I feel like I’m coming down with something, that’s what. The feeling I had in my lungs and chest this morning was as though I had spent last night puffing my way through an entire pack of cigarettes. Something I have not actually done in a long time, and certainly didn’t do last night. I really hope this doesn’t knock me down for the count, but I was planning on forcing myself to take this time slowly, so this may just be the universe’s way of making sure that I do.

You know, it really is amazing how much of a weight I feel lifted off of me, just since I got the okay from my boss to take this time off. It’s shocking really, especially since earlier this week I could feel myself drowning fast. I’m almost worried that this euphoria will mask some of the goals I have for this time. This feel-good surge will be all too fleeting if I wind up right back where I started after this month is over. I just can’t let that happen. I’ve been letting almost everything blow past me in a daze of unresponsiveness lately. If this is going to work, it will have to be deliberate.

Fingers crossed and here we go.

Reclaiming

Sarah — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 13:00:50 +0000

Yesterday’s post really struck a nerve. A lot of thinking went into that. To distill who you are as a person down to a few words, it really pulls your life into focus. And the more you think about it, the more you see where you are excelling and — even worse — where you are lacking. It’s been a long time since I did thinking like this. Years, probably. Because I am never quiet anymore. It is never just quiet. There used to be too much of it. So much that I would fight it off, filling it with childishness and stupidity. Now, I forget what it sounds like, what it tastes like.

Without the quiet I stop seeing who I am. The me of before and the me of now have diverged somehow. I suddenly remembered everything I used to value most. Everything that doesn’t seem to have a place in my life anymore. I only speak the hollow words.

I used to write, think, read. I used to know who I was and have an emotional connection to myself. Now, I am the product of all external influence. I have more confidence but much less to be confident in. My connection to nature is lost, replaced by mechanical things. Where is that soft and sunny life I expected to have? Fresh sheets and clean floors, warm breezes and tiny buds? I’ve forgotten how to read, how to write, how to think. I’ve forgotten how to feel like myself, sipping wine, smelling incense. Didn’t I want a garden and a view? Didn’t I want to try for the best? Didn’t I shun materialism and the vagaries of the hipster life?

Where is that woman? For, in truth, she seems more the grown woman and I the naive girl. She the one who knew what she wanted and I the one still struggling. I think it’s about time I did some reclaiming of the woman I used to be. Then maybe I’d have something really special to blog about.

Playing Catch-up (Or: “Thank God my hip isn’t broken!”)

Sarah — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 04:59:07 +0000

It’s the last day of the month, and what a ridiculous month it was. Have you ever thought your hip was broken? And been under the age of 65? No? Now imagine how I felt when, at the ripe old age of 28, the doctor told me that I had a fractured hip. Yeah, exactly. Thankfully, it was a false alarm, but you can see why I’ve been a bit distracted from my blogging lately.

But it’s amazing how freeing and motivating it can be to find out that you don’t need surgery. Tomorrow, Dave and I go for our gym orientation, which means I can cross another goal off my New Year’s Resolutions. I’m actually really excited to go and start working out. I just wanna sweat, you know? I wanna burn up a bunch of calories getting my heart rate up, then go home and take a hot shower and relax.

Oh, by the way, I’m up for my dream job! After two interviews, I’m waiting to hear the final (?) word whether or not I get the job. I’m trying to think really positive thoughts. But truly, I feel like this job is mine, like this job and I were made for each other. It’s almost more excitement and anxiety than I can bare. But patience is a virtue, so I just need to stay calm and wait a few more days. Six at the most. It seems like a long time, but will probably fly by considering I have a lot of catching up to do around the house. There was a lot of stuff that sort of fell by the wayside when I though my hip was broken. Now that I know it’s not, it’s time to pick up all those dropped balls and get back on that horse! (Can you say “mixed metaphors”?)

Wha–? Where’d the last two weeks go?

Sarah — Sun, 08 Feb 2009 19:44:30 +0000

Man, a girl decides to take on her first freelance copyediting gig and, poof, all her lists and schedules go up in smoke! I’m sorry I disappeared, but those were two crazy, work-filled weeks. Lots of 13-hour days, not lots of sleep, and then lots of recovering; you know how it is.

Well, with that all done for the time being, I’ve had breathing room enough to take a look around. And what do I see? For starters, Month 1 of The Year of Freedom is already over. Most of it was spent playing catch-up and getting back in touch with my life. Lots of cleaning and stuff-purging and lots of getting together with people I hadn’t seen in months. There was a lot of thinking about the future going on, too.

February is shaping up to be just as busy. But this is a really good, new kind of busy. The busy of outings and social gatherings, of fun times and hard-won sleeps. Much better than the stress and strain of essays and exams, readings and homework.

And how are my New Year’s resolutions looking after this first month? Well, some of them haven’t been started yet (Good Life, you and I have a date next week.) and some of them, particularly my email mission, haven’t been going so well. Probably because I’ve barely looked at my email at all in the last two weeks, but still. I’ve got about a hundred extra emails in my inbox than what I reported having last month. I know, I know! Bad, bad!

How do people do it, not getting swamped under the landslide of emails that come in every day? Seriously, if you know some magic secret that I do not, help a girl out! I’m all ears.

The Resolution to make some Resolutions

Sarah — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 04:13:29 +0000

Now, we all know that I love lists. I just can’t help it. It’s built into my genes like brown eyes and left-handedness. And what time of year is the ultimate list-making time of year? New Years. I know, I know. I’m a week late, but you can’t blame me because I was sick, remember?

So I’ve been thinking about what my resolutions should be this year. I don’t always have the best success-rate with my New Years Resolutions. There have definitely been times when I’ve fallen back into old habits. And other times when I really have followed through, like that year I promised Dave I would stop smoking and did. (Thanks for helping me do that, hon!) This year, I’m gonna post my resolutions here so I can hold myself accountable for keeping them. I’ll have something to look back on and remind myself of my goals.

I had to limit myself to only 5 things. Like I said, I love my lists and if I want these resolutions to be important and meaningful I need to stick to a manageable number. I’m also gonna be checking back in on these every month or so to make sure that I’m sticking with my follow-through. But in the words of Thomas the Tank Engine, “I think I can. I think I can. I think I can!” So, without further ado, here they are:

New Years Resolutions ~ 2009

1. Clear out my inbox (all the way to zero) and then keep it cleared out.

I am THE WORST at keeping up-to-date with my emails. My inbox is generally in a state of overflowing and I almost never return people’s messages in a timely fashion. I know, horrible. Now, I’ve already started working on getting things under control and have my inbox down to around 325 unread emails. (Don’t look so shocked. A couple months ago it was around 1600!) My plan of attack? Process all emails that come in every day plus a few of the extras hanging around and slowly but surely that number will keep going down. Let’s see how it goes.

2. Stop falling asleep with my makeup on!

Seriously. Every night I’m always go-go-go right until the last possible second when I’m so tired I can’t even drag myself to the bathhroom to wash it off. I usually just end up flopping in my bed, eyes still plastered with mascara and shadow, only to wake up with zits and raccoon eyes in the morning. Not cool. Time to start working some relax-time into my evenings so I can leisurely get ready for bed instead of frantically trying to cram a zillion things into my evenings.

3. Take more pictures.

I have two cameras that I’ve finally begun figuring out how to use properly, so my goal for 2009 is to work my way up to taking at least one picture a day. But taking pictures is harder than you might think. You have to keep yourself in that “seeing” mode. I’ve been in it before and when you have momentum it’s easier to maintain but putting your mind into that space when you’re out of practice takes some time and some effort. Good thing I’ve got a whole year to work towards this goal.

4. Join a gym.

And actually go! To my great shame, I’ve never been one for regular exercise. Not like I’m against it or anything, I’ve just never really had time for any sort of regular routine, what with everything else I used to have balanced on my plate. Now that the Year of Freedom is here it’s time to get into shape and lose those 20 extra pounds. Dave and I have resolved to do this together. I think with a gym partner it’s a lot more fun and you can guilt each other into going when you really don’t feel like it. Ha!

5. Get a (financial) life!

Being a university student can really put a damper on your retirement savings plans, let me tell you! But now that school is over and I’m not having to come up with another couple thou every few months I think it’s time I start taking matters into my own hands. I’m gonna find a financial advisor, start tackling my school debt and saving for a house and for retirement. I’m not getting any younger, people. Living from paycheck to paycheck just doesn’t cut it anymore.

So that’s it! What do you think? Are any of your resolutions the same as mine? Let me know, because maybe we can form a little support group!