By Sarah, on November 26th, 2010 So, I’m coming back to this space. (Or trying to at least.) The urge to blog has been nibbling on my brain for about a month now. But the old space felt stale, like it was missing something. I’ve been convincing myself not to start from scratch but instead to build on what I have here. I’ve been tweaking things here and there, trying to settle back in and feel comfortable. It still doesn’t look quite right to me. I think I’m going to try a few more things out.
 I haven’t reaaaally gotten around to posting yet, though. I’m trying to re-find my voice. MY voice. The voice that has been long submerged under my own fear of failure and need to please. Under my guilt at not being perfect, but having to try and try again. The phrase “try-hard” comes to mind, because I do too often find myself trying to be someone I’m not. Trying to project what I want others to see, which is usually just themselves reflected back. Most of the time, it’s easier than voicing an opinion and then standing up for it. Easier than trying to convince people that just because I look 12 doesn’t mean that I’m incompetent. If I hear one more person tell me that it’s a gift to look so youthful at my age I’m going to scream. All of this has rolled itself into one cohesive problem: Instead of doing what I love, I procrastinate. I make excuses. I hope no one will notice that I am slipping away slowly. Other times I start things but never end up following them through for the same reason. It can be somewhat crippling.
But my life has change a lot in the past couple months, more so than at any time that came before. I feel completely different. Life has given me a fresh start, and in a way I do want to start from scratch. I want different things, I look at the world differently. My needs and desires are different. Priorities shift. As one door closes, another opens. I know I am passionate about blogging, about interior decor, about streamlining life so that it is organized and allows the happiness of a home to flow. I’m passionate about my connection to the universe and about my husband and family. I love to share all of that with others. I am an emotional person, perhaps too easily affected by the emotions of others. But I find nothing more fulfilling than helping others on that one-on-one level, I like the tangible results.
And I like my life to be small. I know there are others out there like me, too. “Think Big! Go! Money! More! Easy! Cheap! Fast!” seems to me the siren call of this city. I prefer a different version of life, and I accept that now. I prefer quiet over loud. I am not good at asking “how high” when someone tells me to jump. I need to accept that. So I want to write about what is real to me, to share that with others, to put it into the universe. I haven’t always done that here.
I’ve been reading Meg Mateo Ilasco’s book Craft Inc. and this quote really struck me:
“It can be daunting and ambitious to set out to create new trends, but when you remove the pressure to produce something “great” and proceed at your own pace, you’ll see that it can be done. Allow yourself to be a beginner. Everyone has creative potential; it just takes time and practice to develop your personal style. Once your creative confidence kicks in, ideas will flow and you’ll shake your head wondering why you doubted yourself in the first place.”
When I read this, it made me think two things. One, I realized that, yes, it’s not a lack of time that’s holding me back from life, but a lack of courage to be true to myself and make the tough decisions. And two, that I’m not the only one who’s ever felt this way. It is comforting to know I am not alone.
By Sarah, on January 26th, 2010 Resolution #5: Keep up the good work.
I think it’s safe to say that last year’s gym/weight-loss resolution was, by far, my most successful. However, it was a huge financial burden for us. So, now that we have pretty much reached our goals (and since we can’t afford the gym anymore with the wedding coming up) it will be up to us to keep it up ourselves, in our own home, without the gym and without the trainer.
Does that mean no more chocolate cake?
This will be a true test for me since I have never been this fit before and I have always let my weight creep back up in the past. But not this time. This time, I resolve to keep it down and if anything, to help it to fall even further because I’ve got a wedding to look gorgeous for and I have already ordered the wedding dress! It’s gotta fit, so I gotta stay slim. Pretty serious motivation, I’d say.
Well, that brings us to the end of my 2010 Resolutions overview. Here’s to good luck on all our resolutions, whatever they may be.
By Sarah, on January 25th, 2010 It’s still time to stop falling asleep with my makeup on. Resolution Number 4 of 2010.
“wah-wah” says the sad trombone.
As you’ll recall, this was one of my resolutions last year that I utterly failed at. Blarg. I just couldn’t seem to stop with the go-go-go early enough in the evening to get ready for bed properly, rather than just collapsing in a giant heap in the bed when I was too tired to even think about standing over a sink for 5-10 minutes.
So this year, I’m gonna try again. I think that this resolution may actually tie into the previous one about staying on top of things, because theoretically, if I can keep everything under control then there will be fewer nights where I drive myself to the point of being just so tired, and more nights where my poor skin can go to bed happy, actually able to breathe a little.
By Sarah, on January 23rd, 2010 …and instead, put my life on a successful and fulfilling career path. That is Resolution #2 for 2010.
I’ve mentioned many a time how hateful I find my current job. Over the past year I must have applied for 50 jobs. But despite my education and work experience, nobody is hiring in this economy, not even entry level positions with salaries that would leave me barely able to pay the rent. It’s depressing. I should know, because I let this apparent failure on my part depress me for a good chuck of last year. I felt like I had no options available to me, like I wasn’t even hireable for the crappiest crappy job that was really no better than the crappy dead-end job I currently have. Worst was that few of the jobs I was being rejected for were even things that I really wanted to do.
So I started thinking real hard and doing some soul searching. After a while the answer became so clear that I wondered how I couldn’t have known what I wanted to do with my career the whole time. I’m going to be a Professional Organizer and Interior Decorator.
I’ve always been madly obsessed with organizing and making things more useful and functional. I’ve also always had an eye for aesthetics and seem to know when things go together and when they don’t. Looking at catalogues or magazines, I put together possibilities in my mind’s eye. In every room I enter, I look at what works and what doesn’t and how it could be made better. It’s what comes naturally, and what I should be doing as a career.
So that’s my second resolution for 2010: to stop being afraid, to take the plunge into doing what I love and to work at it every day until I have successfully established myself in the field. It’s gonna take a lot of hard work, maybe some night school, and a lot of believing in myself even when I have nothing to show for it. But if I’m ever gonna have a career it has to be started now. I just gotta remember to take baby steps until I get there.
By Sarah, on January 21st, 2010 …let the Year of Change begin!
How did 2009 go by so fast? Wasn’t it just summer? Didn’t we just move into our new apartment? The Year of Freedom turned out to be nothing like I expected it to be. Yet, it was definitely a year of growth. Looking back, I know I am not the same person I was a year ago. And I can honestly say that the differences are all for the better.
I have already dubbed 2010 The Year of Change, and so it shall be. There are two babies scheduled to arrive in our families come April. I’m going to become an Aunt (for the first time) twice in the span of one month. Exciting! Plus, of course, I’m getting married. By this time next year I’ll be a wedded woman, with a completely different last name. That thought is still taking some getting used to. If it felt like 2009 went by quickly, I just know that 2010 is going to go by even faster.
But I can’t just let it fly past. I need to have a direction and a plan for this year so I can tackle all the wonderful changes as they come. Which leads me to New Year’s resolutions. Everybody has an idealized conception of the person they could be if only: If only they weighed less, ate better. If only they were more spontaneous, or more organized, or more motivated, or more something. But is holding onto this ideal so wrong? I don’t think so. (Unless the goals are ridiculously unattainable and/or unhealthy, that is.) I always make New Year’s resolutions, and this year I’m spurred on by last year’s resolution successes.
I think it’s healthy to see yourself as a work in progress. To know that every morning, or once a year, we have a chance to make a fresh start. It’s a chance to get one step closer to that ideal person we wish we could be, knowing that having an ideal is not necessarily the same thing as having an end goal. Ideals change and grow just as we do as people. So though they can never be completely reached, they are always good to have.
So yeah, I think I’ll do the same thing for this year’s resolutions as I did for last year’s resolutions review — one a day for five days. Sound cool? Okay, then check back here tomorrow for the first of my 2010 resolutions!!
By Sarah, on January 19th, 2010 This is it, the end of the line. The last look back at 2009 before looking forward to the new year ahead.
My last resolution of 2009 was to get a “financial” life. And how did I do? Well, not so good. But not for lack of trying!! I reconsolidated my student loans (but they’re still there, looming). My employer put a pay freeze in place for 2009 (which meant no raise for me). And the gym/trainer turned out to be a huge financial investment (though WELL worth it). So, as you can probably guess, there really wasn’t any extra money floating around last year.
Still, I didn’t give up and I not only reduced my credit-card debt, but I cancelled my crazy high-rate card and switched to one with a much lower interest rate. Less interest means debt gets paid off faster! So I guess I will have to call this one another tie. I may not have gotten all the way to my goal, but I was able to make some progress.
Final Tally: Sarah – 3, Bad Habits – 2.
Well, it looks like in the grand scheme of things I was able to kick more of my bad habits than not last year, and to make some good progress on a couple more. Yay! I think I would call 2009 a successful year, resolutionarily speaking. (Is that a word? Probably not. Whatevs.)
And I’m looking forward to 2010. I’ve already decided on my resolutions for this year, but that’s a post for another day.
By Sarah, on January 18th, 2010 This brings us to my penultimate resolution of 2009: To join a gym and get in shape. So, how did I do?
I am more than proud to say that despite how may times I had made and failed at this resolution in the past, in 2009 I finally succeeded. For those who know what this gobbledy-gook means, I reduced my total body fat by almost 10% and my overall weight went down by 15lbs. So if you remember that muscle weighs more than fat, you can understand what a drastic change this has been for me.
I’m a tiny person (5′ 1″) and to drop two whole dress sizes in less than a year has been huge. And to be able to look this way on my wedding day is going to be just the best feeling in the world.
Sarah – 2.5, Bad Habits – 1.5. Score one for me!
Tomorrow we come to the end. My last resolution of 2009: Get a financial life.
By Sarah, on January 17th, 2010 My third resolution of 2009 was to take more pictures.
I think I started out strong with this resolution, but midway through the year my vigour wained. There’s probably a direct correlation between my lack of photos and my amount of stress at work, leading up to the Month of Freedom. After that, the rest of 2009 moved by in a speedy blur and just as I started wanting to take more pictures again, I realized that my good camera had broken (most likely during the move) and all I was left with was a crappy point-and-shoot that couldn’t take a sharp photo to save my life.
It was excruciating, and I tried to make it work, but it didn’t really. So I finally gave in and got my first DSLR at a Boxing Day sale. Hopefully, this means I’m gonna be taking copious amounts of photos in 2010. Just oodles and oodles.
But for the purpose of tallying my 2009 resolutions, I’d have to say this one’s a tie. Sarah – 1.5, Bad Habits – 1.5. Hmm…we’re neck and neck it seems.
Coming down to it now. Tomorrow, Resolution #4: Join a gym and get in shape.
By Sarah, on January 16th, 2010 Okey-doke. Moving right along. How did I do on my second resolution of last year, namely:
2. Stop falling asleep with my makeup on.
Wah-wah. That’s the sound of the sad trombone. Here, I am sorry to say, I was a total failure. Total. So total, in fact, that I’m putting that sucker right back on my resolutions list for 2010. With the wedding coming up, I really need to get my skin in better shape and this is definitely Step 1.
Sarah – 1, Bad Habits – 1. Blarg.
Next, Resolution #3: Take more pictures.
By Sarah, on January 15th, 2010 So, two weeks into the new year and the question still remains: How well did I do with 2009′s resolutions? Let’s break it down, one a day for the next 5 days. Before I delve in though, how about a recap?
Sarah’s 2009 New Year’s Resolutions
1. Clear my inboxes down to zero and then keep them clear.
2. Stop falling asleep with my makeup on.
3. Take more pictures.
4. Join a gym and get in shape.
5. Get a financial life.
So, after a year of working at it, how well (or poorly) did I do in these 5 areas? First up, my inbox.
Well, I’m proud to say that my struggles with overflowing email inboxes are over and my work at this resolution has been a total success. After years and years of feeling overwhelmed by hundreds and hundreds of emails just sitting there yelling at me, I finally took the bull by the horns. I developed a better labelling and filing system for my email, did a lot of kamikaze deleting of old stuff and unsubscribed from A LOT of useless newsletters. After that, it was all about slowly but surely reading through more emails every day than I received, till I had finally whittled it all down to zero.
And this doesn’t mean that I’ve become a compulsive email checker, either. I don’t answer every email as soon as it hits my inbox, or anything crazy like that. Instead, it’s more of a once or twice a day thing, generally morning and evening. And if I notice things starting to pile up, I nip it in the bud before it can balloon into an even bigger problem simply by blocking out some time and dealing with it.
So I guess that makes the score so far Sarah – 1, Bad Habits – 0. Not a shabby start.
Tomorrow, Resolution #2: Falling asleep with my makeup on.
By Sarah, on December 10th, 2009 Well, I’ve definitely decided that telecommuting is worth giving another try. Though it is gonna take some getting used to, finding a new routine. I’ve been telecommuting for a few days now, but inevitably I’ve been spending the whole day in my PJs and feeling out of whack because of it.
Today I’m trying something different. Attempting to ignore the pressure to begin work immediately upon waking up and instead starting when I’m good and ready. (Read “showered.”) I think part of the reason why the transition has been so hard and why it didn’t work before was because I’ve been trying to keep my hours up. But for me, working from home can’t be about putting in 40-hour weeks all the time any more, or I might as well be working in the office.
Changing one’s mindset is hard. And it’s harder than it sounds, acting as though you already are the person you want to be. Maybe I’m half way to pretending. Somewhere near that mid-lifechange point. There’s still a lot of prep work to be done and routines to be hammered out and some definite cleaning of my apparently neglected apartment to wade through, but perhaps once those things are in place it will be easier to wake up believing that I already am who I want to be. I just need to give myself more time. Time to settle in, time to clean up and time to focus on making plans for actually starting my career. Time to enjoy Christmas would be a nice bonus, too. And keeping crazy hours at my current job is not gonna help me with that.
So really, what this is is time to let go. I don’t have to be the best at that job anymore because now, I’m learning to be the best at something else.
By Sarah, on December 7th, 2009 Okay, so, it’s no secret: I HATE MY JOB. I hate it up one side and down the other. I can’t even remember when I stopped liking it and started hating it. Was it one year ago? Two? More? And yet, I’ve been fighting with myself about it despite wanting to quit. I guess the big problem is that I don’t wanna let a certain love of my life down. I feel like if I quit or even just cut back on hours before having a new job perfectly lined up to pay all the bills he’d be disappointed or worse. Don’t get me wrong, I know money is “important.” But with my current crappy job we are JUST paying the bills. No savings. No buffer. No spending money, even. And the problem is, with this job sucking away all my time (and me working way too hard for almost nothing) it leaves no time to look for a new job, start a business, or develop my passions. All I do is work and eat and sleep, work and eat and sleep. No balance. No hope. No future. And I know most people think that should be okay and be enough. I mean, I should feel lucky and privileged just to have a job at all in this economy, right? Because it seems like the general consensus is that money is more important than everything, even saving yourself from sinking into depression because you’ve ended up living a completely unfulfilling life.
Well, I guess money isn’t my only reason for sticking around at this crummy job. I really do like the people I work with, although most of them are gone already or headed out the door, at least. That shouldn’t really be a reason though. I shouldn’t stay in a job I hate for other people. But any way I turn, there doesn’t seem to be a way out of this situation. No matter where I look it’s the same: I need money. I guess there may be one way to ease my troubles. If I telecommute to the office there would be fewer wasted hours in my day. More time for the things that really matter. And the more I make those things matter, the possibly less I will have to work that hellish job. My only problem is that I tried that once before and the stress and deadlines of the job had me working in my PJs all day, unable to even take the time to walk my dog when she sat crying by the door with a full bladder. I guess it was the pressure not to disappoint or perhaps my inability to say “NO, THIS IS TOO MUCH WORK.” Or, you know, just to have the self-worth to put myself first over any crummy job making demands on my time. I was always super-distracted too because EVERYTHING in my life is way more important (in my eyes) than this horrible job, so it always felt like such a waste of time, working, when I could have been doing more important things, money notwithstanding.
But I can’t keep hemming and hawing forever. I need to pull the trigger, make a choice, set a direction and follow it. I need to stop feeling bad or thinking “what if” or hoping that a change will find me all on it’s own. Yes, money is important, but is it important at the expense of my future? I always thought that everything would be so much easier once I finished university, but it just seems to have gotten that much more complicated. Building a career is a lifetime commitment and there are no mid-semester breaks. There is no half-assing it if you want to be successful. You have to believe it and just do it. Don’t let money make you scared or you will spend your entire life living in fear (like I have.) I can’t do that anymore. I can’t be okay with that being my life. I can’t spend all my time worrying about what other people will think.
The Year of Freedom is almost over, gone before it every really began. By this time next year I’ll be 30 and I’ll be married. So maybe it’s time to stop dreaming of who I’ll be when I grow up and start living my life being that person. I read a blog post the other day from a very talented artist. Her words were simple: Fake it till you make it. Pretend that you’re already the person that you want to be and one day you’ll wake up and you won’t be pretending anymore. That’s just who you’ll be.
I didn’t really sleep that well last night. I woke up around 3 AM and never really got back to sleep. Just too much on my mind, I guess. But it was good in a way, I had time to think. And so I’ve decided that though I may have been up for hours already by that point, when dawn finally broke this morning I stopped being Sarah: wussy-faced whiner and chronic daydreamer. Instead, I became Sarah: professional organizer and interior decorator. If 2009 was the Year of Freedom, 2010 will be the Year of Change. You can bet your bottom dollar on that. I know I will be.
By Sarah, on July 17th, 2009 Safe or happy? Safe? Or happy?
That was the question that was twirling around my mind on the way home from physio yesterday. Do I choose a play-it-safe life or do I choose one that’s happy and fulfilled? Is there a way to choose both?
And what keeps holding me back from being my authentic self? From leading the life I’ve always wanted to live? From doing what will make me happy rather than continuously falling back into bad old habits. That is one of my biggest fears right now, that after this whole month-long experience is over, I’ll simply go back to work and nothing will have changed.
How do I be that person and live that life that I always dreamed of? What makes it so significantly different from the life I’ve been leading? The answers to these questions are, I think, the next big list that I want to tackle. I like lists. They work for me and often help me pinpoint the swirling thoughts in my head. I just need to do some good, hard thinking about the whole thing.
Because I want to be the one leading my life, making the conscious choices and decisions. I do not want my life to be leading me. Ever.
By Sarah, on July 13th, 2009 Okay, here it is. I’ve gotten to a point that I’ve been to before but rarely, if ever, moved beyond. The dishes are under control, the laundry done, the apartment clean, tidy and organized. I so rarely get to this point. (Have I mentioned that already?) It is my normal state to be behind, trying desperately to do all the things yelling at me all at once to get done. Where do I go from here?
 This feels like new territory and I don’t wanna mess it up. I think the next step is to tackle the kinds of things that I always put off. The things I get excited for when they are new but then they inevitably end up on a shelf because guilt stops me from indulging in such “wastes of time.” I rarely start projects and it’s even rarer that I finish them. I wonder if I’ll be able to introduce this next step successfully without guilting myself into ignoring or avoiding.
I know I sound vague, but my life has always been, “one day I’ll have the time/money/energy to do that.” Maybe that “one day” is now. Maybe I can figure out how to live a normal life…
By Sarah, on July 12th, 2009 So, at the end of my first week of freedom, where do I stand? I’m all but phlegm-free for one. But has any progress been made? What have I learned about myself and what I want? Well…
I like this slower pace.
I like not having headaches all the time.
I like quiet mornings and quiet evenings and busy in-betweens.
I don’t like downtown Toronto, would rather live in the country but will settle for someplace far enough away from the core as soon as I can afford a car. Because while a car is crazy expensive, my time is worth too much to commute from the fringes by transit.
I really dislike not having a private yard, so I’m still toying with the idea of moving. We’ll stay here until October and see where we stand at that point. Maybe I’ll wait till spring if the new jobs are within commuting distance from here.
Because I do need a different job. I don’t think that, in general, I will mind working hard enough and long enough at a job to get the things I want, but I hate my current job with its harsh deadlines, zero respect and the inability to ever get a raise or promotion. I think a lot of my unhappiness has been coming from feeling trapped in that job and the stagnating version of my life that is the direct result. I just have to keep applying. It doesn’t matter if I’ve applied for a million jobs and heard from none, all that matters is that I keep trying and keep applying. I mean, someone’s gonna have to hire me eventually. I just need to keep trying and not let myself get discouraged when I don’t hear anything.
Because I can’t control everything in the universe. Shocking, I know. But I actually have very little say about what inevitably happens, so I need to start trying to let go of my stranglehold on events and trust instead that things will work out.
And part two of that is to stop holding on to so much stuff, all in the chance that I might need it one day. Holding onto things just in case or for sentimental value never leaves room in your life for wonderful new things to come in! So I’m thinking of doing some reorganizing and purging while I have the time. It may be slow goings though, since I’m trying to really think about the purpose and the function of everything.
Well, that’s all I’ve got for this week. It seems like a lot of good stuff to have figured out already, considering I’ve been so sick. Here’s hoping that the rest of my time off is equally productive.
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