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Because you gotta have something to get you through the week.  1. party dress for Bubble & Boo, 2. Cloud9 Fabrics, 3. here and gone, 4. miss winter, 5. wildflowers, 6. new colour corsages, 7. saying thank you  , 8. Cicada Studio, 9. Sunday sunshine
Because you gotta have something to get you through the week.  1. the sunset., 2. spirea, 3. gray dress, 4. Happy Friday, 5. 4, 6. Made By Girl, 7. Does Not Compute, 8. YIP. 176 Dahlia, 9. YIP.173 all in a day’s “work”  I found myself feeling overwhelmingly philosophical this morning. More than usual, it would seem. Most of the time I keep my philosophical thoughts to myself. In our “modern” world, it has become something of a faux pas to start up a philosophical discussion. And with the frantic pace of 21st century lives, who really has time to waste on philosophy anyway? So really, I guess I don’t talk about this much, but I am actually an acutely seasonally-minded person. More than any organized religion ever has, the spiritual side of me is awakened by a reverence for nature as it continually renews itself through the turning of the seasons. I see creation in all things from stardust to my pinky toe and I have respect for them all, equally. Call it what you will, this is just how I feel in my heart. And as you know, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my day-to-day life, what it’s been like for these past few years and how much of it has been lived on autopilot. And part of what bothers me so much is that I don’t live what I feel, partly because I worry about being judged as a weirdo, but more because of this autopilot fallback postioin my life often takes. I guess it’s just another offshoot of the general thoughts I’ve been having about mapping a direction for the rest of my life. Now that I am happily engaged, it seems as though philosophical and practical questions are colliding. I’m questioning what kind of future I want it to be: Where do we want to live and “settle down”? How soon after the wedding do we want to start having kids? How are we even gonna afford this wedding and what kind of lifestyle changes will we have to make to save that kind of money? How do I start living a more seasonally-minded life so that I don’t feel quite so spiritually hollow all the time and can start creating the home and family that our future children will eventually be welcomed into? And where does a career and the need to make money fit into all this? Because I am still struggling with knowing what to do in that aspect of my life, and generally trying to fight back the overwhelming fear that in this recession-ridden world, me and my Celtic Studies degree are completely unhireable. As usual, I don’t seem to have any of the answers to my questions. Part of it is that I don’t really know where to begin and part of it is that no matter how hard I try, it is increasingly difficult or me to feel at home in our cramped upper floor apartment, living in someone else’s house in the dirty urban core of a major metropolitan city. No money + no car + no job with a future = staying put right here without even being able to change my surroundings even a little bit to spruce it up and make it feel more homey. There I go, sounding all down and sorry for myself again. I’m not really, I swear. I guess I’m still just floundering, looking for square one of where to being. It’s just hard to feel connected to nature when all you see outside your window is concrete and brick. But take that first step I must, whatever it may be, because I refuse to stay living in this limbo. I need to start being mindful and fully present in my own life, not just coasting through it. I need to create the life and the future and the family I want, not just lie back and wait for it to find me. Well, well! I have some big news! The biggest news ever, actually. But first, let me start at the beginning. So, this weekend was the (Dave’s and my) 3-and-a-half-year anniversary of our first date. I remembered that it was coming up a little while ago and so the two of us made plans to take a nice romantic walk on Sunday. As for Saturday, I made plans to get together with a friend of mine, leaving Dave to his own devices. However, my Saturday plans fell through and since neither of use really had anything better to do, Dave suggested that we play some rounds of our favourite card game: Fluxx.  Well, Dave’s a sore loser and I’m sorry to say it, but I’m a sore winner. Not an excellent combination when I kept winning and Dave kept losing. He got grumpier and I just laughed. One hand, two. A third round, then a fourth. I just kept winning. After I won that fourth hand, Dave was practically fuming. “You don’t wanna do that,” he said. “Take it back.” “Ha, ha!” I laughed. “Too late, too late! I win again!” Dave grumbled as I gathered up the cards for him to shuffle and he dealt out the fifth hand.  Now Dave meant business. He immediately got rid of any cards I might use for a quick win. Then he made me discard all the cards in my hand so I had nothing left in my hand to win with anyway. Finally, he went on a “take another turn” rampage, playing card after card until finally, he played the “Love” keeper. And on its heels, he played a custom card he’d made that I had never seen before: the “Marriage” goal.  “What the heck is this?” I asked, picking the card up off the table. I read it: “If both Love and the Ring are on the table, we both win.”  Confused, I asked, “Does this mean I win too?” Then I looked down at the table in front of him. There, beside the Love keeper sat the most beautiful ring in the whole wide world. I looked up at Dave, saw him smiling and immediately started laughing hysterically with joy. He walked around the table and got down on one knee, slipping the ring on my finger. I hugged him tight, half jumping up and down in my seat, still laughing hysterically. He just smiled and smiled. And finally, I came to my senses long enough to shout, “Yes! Yes! We BOTH win!”  So there we are, happily engaged and brimming with joy! We’re thinking Fall 2010 for the wedding, which will give us some time to plan. I’m so excited already, I can’t wait! Which means you can probably expect many more wedding-related posts in the months to come! Yippee!! Safe or happy? Safe? Or happy? That was the question that was twirling around my mind on the way home from physio yesterday. Do I choose a play-it-safe life or do I choose one that’s happy and fulfilled? Is there a way to choose both? And what keeps holding me back from being my authentic self? From leading the life I’ve always wanted to live? From doing what will make me happy rather than continuously falling back into bad old habits. That is one of my biggest fears right now, that after this whole month-long experience is over, I’ll simply go back to work and nothing will have changed. How do I be that person and live that life that I always dreamed of? What makes it so significantly different from the life I’ve been leading? The answers to these questions are, I think, the next big list that I want to tackle. I like lists. They work for me and often help me pinpoint the swirling thoughts in my head. I just need to do some good, hard thinking about the whole thing. Because I want to be the one leading my life, making the conscious choices and decisions. I do not want my life to be leading me. Ever. I know. I know what you’d tell me: There was absolutely nothing wrong with the old blog layout. But well, I wanted a change. And I’ll admit it, the baby pink and blue was getting to be a little much, even for me. I may be a girly girl but I don’t need to shout it from the cyber rooftops! Anyhoo, I think this new blog layout is sleeker, more “adult” and to be honest, it’s more functional too. So tell me, tell me. What do you think? Because you gotta have something to get you through the week.  1. Trampoline, 2. summer maiden, 3. Roses, 4. yesterday…, 5. one of.., 6. new dresses for sewing machines, 7. Fun stairs, 8. summer is: towels on the line, 9. Sunday Stash  We’ve both been trying to get in shape and be more healthy since March. We’ve been going to a gym and changing our diet a lot, both in what we eat and how much of it. Not that we weren’t eating veggies before, we were. It’s just well, small changes can help in the biggest ways. So as part of that, we’ve been eating even more fruits and veggies than ever before. Heck, sometimes 75% of our meal will be veggies. And though it does take a bit of extra prep work, we’re actually enjoying finding different ways to eat them. Anyway, back to the CSA. Basically, we get a quarter of a bushel of fresh, locally grown veggies every Tuesday for 20 of the 52 weeks of the year. It changes from week to week depending on what’s in season and ready to go. I’m personally loving it and I think Dave is too. Twin Creeks Organic Farm Okay, here it is. I’ve gotten to a point that I’ve been to before but rarely, if ever, moved beyond. The dishes are under control, the laundry done, the apartment clean, tidy and organized. I so rarely get to this point. (Have I mentioned that already?) It is my normal state to be behind, trying desperately to do all the things yelling at me all at once to get done. Where do I go from here?  I know I sound vague, but my life has always been, “one day I’ll have the time/money/energy to do that.” Maybe that “one day” is now. Maybe I can figure out how to live a normal life… So, at the end of my first week of freedom, where do I stand? I’m all but phlegm-free for one. But has any progress been made? What have I learned about myself and what I want? Well… I like this slower pace. I like not having headaches all the time. I like quiet mornings and quiet evenings and busy in-betweens. I don’t like downtown Toronto, would rather live in the country but will settle for someplace far enough away from the core as soon as I can afford a car. Because while a car is crazy expensive, my time is worth too much to commute from the fringes by transit. I really dislike not having a private yard, so I’m still toying with the idea of moving. We’ll stay here until October and see where we stand at that point. Maybe I’ll wait till spring if the new jobs are within commuting distance from here. Because I do need a different job. I don’t think that, in general, I will mind working hard enough and long enough at a job to get the things I want, but I hate my current job with its harsh deadlines, zero respect and the inability to ever get a raise or promotion. I think a lot of my unhappiness has been coming from feeling trapped in that job and the stagnating version of my life that is the direct result. I just have to keep applying. It doesn’t matter if I’ve applied for a million jobs and heard from none, all that matters is that I keep trying and keep applying. I mean, someone’s gonna have to hire me eventually. I just need to keep trying and not let myself get discouraged when I don’t hear anything. Because I can’t control everything in the universe. Shocking, I know. But I actually have very little say about what inevitably happens, so I need to start trying to let go of my stranglehold on events and trust instead that things will work out. And part two of that is to stop holding on to so much stuff, all in the chance that I might need it one day. Holding onto things just in case or for sentimental value never leaves room in your life for wonderful new things to come in! So I’m thinking of doing some reorganizing and purging while I have the time. It may be slow goings though, since I’m trying to really think about the purpose and the function of everything. Well, that’s all I’ve got for this week. It seems like a lot of good stuff to have figured out already, considering I’ve been so sick. Here’s hoping that the rest of my time off is equally productive.  I remember the summers of my childhood. All day, every day, running around outside with friends, building tree houses, playing make believe. And then at night, when the heat would break and the thunder and lightening would come, I’d huddle in my bed excitedly waiting for the next earsplitting crack. I remember being really happy during those summers. I never even remember being bothered by the humidity. I think it was the freedom of living on a quiet suburban street, able to spend unstructured hour upon unstructured hour finding ways to entertain myself. I was never bored but I do remember always wishing to be grown up. I couldn’t wait to be 18. That was the age when you were an adult and your parents couldn’t tell you to come in for dinner right at the best part of the game. Now that I am a grown up, I wish that summers were still like that, where you had all the unstructured free time you could want to pursue your every fancy. I’ve been thinking about that a lot as I try to reclaim a little bit of it this summer. All I’m missing is having a yard and a chance to have grass between my toes. On an unrelated note, I’m thinking that I would also like to ween myself off of evenings full of TV. Instead, maybe I’ll go for evening walks or read a book or do some knitting. Something quiet. I like TV, I do, I just think I’ve had too much of it in my life for a while and maybe summer is a good time to take a break from that. I’m just sayin’. Sigh. Still sick over here. This morning I was getting so fed up with this cold that I actually took some cold medicine, something I view as a last resort. It wasn’t a miracle cure but it did enable me to breathe through my nose for a while. And it was better than nothing, so I though I’d take the opportunity to return some books to the library and pick up some others that I had on hold. Plus, it killed two birds with one stone since Daisy was getting antsy for that late-morning walk she’s developed quite the ardent taste for. I briefly toyed with the idea of also picking up some things we need from the grocery store and the drugstore and maybe swinging by the bank, but I changed my mind on that pretty quickly after another excellent sneezefest hit. Besides, leaving Daisy outside the library for a couple minutes while I pop in is one thing. Leaving her outside the grocery store for the better part of a half-hour would never fly. So I got dressed and ready, books in hand, dog in tow. But, ladies and gents, what do you suppose should be the case when I finally get up said library? The damn thing is closed! That’s right. Apparently, for some unknown and completely stupid reason, the library doesn’t open until 12:30 on Thursdays. I was pissed and confused. I looked at my watch: 11:45. That was 45 minutes until it finally opened. Well, going to the store and the bank to kill time were still out of the question, especially since I’d left what I needed for those trips at home. And the thought of walking all the way home and back again felt like more than my dwindling energy levels could bare. What to do? What to do?  Well, I thought, I do have a bag full of books with me, and I did just pass a park… So back I went to the park and found a sunny spot in the grass to sit and read. Daisy was confused. When we go for walks we generally, you know, walk. She was not used to this whole staying-in-one-spot thing, not when in foreign territory anyway. After a few whimpers and much sniffing around she got over it and settled in. The grass was damp and cool and the sun was nice and warm. I pulled out a book I hadn’t gotten around to reading before it was due and dove in. And it was nice, if a little odd for me. See, I never just randomly sit in the park, or anywhere for that matter. I never have that kind of time. Usually if I’m gonna take a break, I take it in the comfort of my own home where, once the break is done, I can quickly move on to the next task on the never-ending to-do list. But this forced impromptu park visit made me remember how nice it is to do things outside by yourself. Not because you’re going somewhere, but just because it’s nice to be outside. It’s something I don’t do nearly as much as I used to since I don’t have my own private yard or anything anymore. But it was fun and it was relaxing, and maybe during my time off I’ll try out a planned park excursion. Who knows, I may even get a tan! Though I think, in future, I’ll make sure to bring a blanket to save my butt from the damp (tee-hee!) Because you gotta have something to get you through the week.  1. gooseberries and roxanne, 2. Ripples, 3. spice jars, 4. Fresh Carrots, 5. Hydrangeas, 6. Hus & Hem, 7. summer quilts-ready for a picnic, 8. before we devoured them, 9. hex |
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